Why we need to speak more about grief

On Wave of Light Day, it seems fitting to share some thoughts about grief. Each year, on the 15^th of October, we light a candle at 7 pm to remember the babies that have gone too soon.  Time has passed since my losses, and I still have moments of crushing grief; usually around milestones. I’ve also experienced other family member losses, so the understanding I gained about grief from writing “What Now: An Honest Guide to Miscarriage, Baby Loss, Parenting, Mental Health and Rebuilding Your Identity” has made an impact beyond baby loss. Today, I wanted to share some of that with you, include excerpts from my book and share why we need to speak more about grief.

 

“How can you love someone you have never met? How can you grieve someone that you have never known? I’m the first to admit that, until it happened to us, I had no idea. I was, and still am, a logical and practical person. Yes, this experience has softened my edges, but I still have the heart of a scientist.

I think, for most people that haven’t experienced baby loss, this is often the hardest thing to explain. That the minute the test shows a positive, you have a new future mapped out. With names and imagined personalities. When you are told your baby has passed, irrespective of how pregnant you were, or why (if you ever get a reason), you are grieving a future you never got to have…”

Many of us have been given some theoretical understanding of grief through Kubler Ross’s “grief curve”; five stages of grief that people move through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, when researching for my book, I wanted to expand on the theories. Today, I want to share one that has really resonated with me and seems to help explain lifelong grief.

“Lois Tonkin has an alternative model of grief, called Growing Around Grief. Here, the belief is that grief becomes smaller over time in comparison to the rest of your life. At first, the grief is all-encompassing and all-consuming, filling up every element of our lives. However, eventually the person grows around their grief, their experiences and their life expand around it.

Whilst the grief doesn’t change, the person grows around it so that it becomes a smaller, but still as intense, part of them. The message is simple. Grief becomes a part of who you are, but it doesn’t define you. And you don’t just “get over it”. You absorb it.

I remember thinking, after our losses, that I would never feel happy again. It was like all the joy had been sucked out of my life, and I had lost the ability to understand what it felt like. It was crippling.

To be sitting here writing this now, having experienced some amazing, life-changing highs, I know that I have grown around the grief. “

I was lucky to be able to access grief counselling, first through the hospital, and secondly through Edward’s Trust. It really showed me the power of talking therapy to process the emotions, including anger and hopelessness, connected to our loss. This week, and every year, I see how many people have experienced similar losses and the power of sharing our stories. It helps families grieving feel less alone. Talking about the grief we feel, and how it continues to impact our life, whilst sharing how our lives have changed, and it’s impacted our identities and life choices, is essential. Grief can look very different across our lives, and sharing the realities will help break down assumptions and stereotypes for others.

Thank you to everyone who continues to light a candle each year and share support with those living through the losses.

 

I will leave you with a beautiful piece of writing which opens up my book chapter on grief:

 

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.

Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.

All we can do is learn how to swim.” Vicki Harrison

 

 

 

You can gain more support here:

 

Tommy’s: The pregnancy and baby loss charity

SANDS: Saving babies lives, Supporting bereaved families

Miscarriage UK: because every loss matters