We need to talk more about how your identity changes when you return to work.

I don’t think anyone is truly ready for what it feels like to be a parent. We can read the books, listen to the podcasts and pick the brains of our parents. But when it happens, it’s a fundamental shift. It’s beyond the biological shifts that happen when you are a parent; it’s a societal thing too. The identity shift that we feel when returning to work begins well before a KIT Day. We need to talk more about how your identity changes when you return to work.

Returning to work as a parent is a shock. You may have just about got used to being a parent, or a parent of more than one, and, wham, you are back wearing the work hat, and you aren’t quite sure who you are anymore. It won’t surprise you to learn that a change in identity is a massive part of the coaching I do. It makes sense that it appears when working with those returning to work after parental leave, but it appears at every stage, right up to “empty nesters”.

When you consider the life transition that happens, it is no surprise, really. You start with getting used to being a parent. Through groggy days, you start to understand who you want to be as a parent (and as your child(ren) grow and their personalities and needs are more obvious, you usually have to learn what type of parent you want to be, to the child you actually have!

But the roles that you have in people’s lives don’t disappear when you become a parent. Whilst the priorities will and do shift, you remain a friend, a partner, a colleague and a family member. It is no surprise that you can feel overwhelmed and a little confused when you return to work.

When you are back to a place that knew you “pre-child”, the difference can be striking. Your colleagues’ behaviour and expectations of you can hold up a mirror to how things have changed. But even if you are in a role or at an organisation that has only ever known you post-kids, the new version of you may be lagging behind your own expectations.

When I work with clients on uncovering and integrating who they are now, I highlight a key point. To be who they want to be personally and professionally, they must start with themselves. It’s not uncommon for them to come to me for coaching tired, unsettled and unsure. They can think and just “work” themselves out of this feeling of disconnect. That when EVERYTHING else falls into place, they can turn their attention back to themselves

It won’t surprise you to learn that I tell them the opposite.

That everything will start falling into place once they turn their attention to themselves!

 

The easiest way to break this barrier down is one simple question.

“What does success look like now?”

A simple question, with a multifaceted answer.

The time in coaching gives parents opportunities to unapologetically focus on themselves. To create a vision of who they want to be now and then take the time to unpack how that will happen.

Sometimes, that is lots of conversations about work; not a surprise for a return-to-work and career coach.

Most of the time, it’s a bigger conversation. It’s about health, the mental load, career ambition, much-needed time for hobbies, interests and passions and time to connect.

It’s about values and valuing yourself again.

It’s about being hopeful about the future, and what you can control.

It’s about being kind to yourself, setting compassionate goals and realistic timescales.

It’s about learning how to notice what you are great at, the progress you make and the impact of your skills

It’s about teaching you to step back from the internal chatter and learning about your nervous system and how to support it.

It’s about trusting your emotions and listening to them as communication.

The biggest, and the one that makes the most difference though?

It’s the one where you realise it’s OK to pick and choose; that you can’t DO everything or BE everywhere. That the best thing to do for your new identity is to be comfortable with letting things go

Ultimately, every experience we have changes us. It brings new perspectives and people into our lives. We learn and change. Isn’t it time we permit ourselves to do so during this phase of life?

 

 

If you enjoyed this blog, you may also want to read:

 

Why you need to create a return-to-work induction

A reflection on finding your identity within motherhood

Book Review: Women Who Work Too Much by Tamu Thomas

Book Review: Matrescence by Lucy Jones

 

I’m Clara Wilcox, the coach who helps parents enjoy their careers again. Return to work, career & redundancy coaching for individuals, freelancers, businesses and parents & carer groups. Email hello@thebalancecollective.co.uk or schedule a call to discuss coaching or career wellbeing workshops.