A reflection on finding your identity within motherhood

Once you have lifted your head from the life-changing experience of pregnancy and newborn life, it’s not uncommon to ask yourself “Who Am I now?”  When the fog of the early days of parenting starts to lift, and you work your way through the fourth trimester and beyond, you may find you aren’t sure about who you are now. It doesn’t matter if the role of parent is a new one for you, or if you have expanded your brood, this life transition will change who you are and what you want. But what to do if you aren’t sure who that is anymore? Today I want to share my thoughts about finding your identity within motherhood.

When we think about our lives, most of us have spent most of it having our identities defined by others. It starts with our family dynamics (such as sibling, cousin or nibling), our schooling (the actual school type, clubs, sports teams or academic status and subjects), then our working life (the industry, sectors, salary, job titles). I think you get my drift. These identities are defined by the people and expectations we surround ourselves with, even if we don’t agree with what is expected. When parenthood is added to the list, we are given another title with a whole heap of personal, cultural and societal expectations. These are presented to us, wrapped in a bow, as a gift – yet it can be tainted by judgement, pressure and lack of support. 

I became a parent for the first time in 2006. I didn’t have a smartphone. My internet access was either at work (sorry boss!) or dial-up in my house. I consumed books and logged onto forums for my information. When my second child entered the world, the world was different. On night feeds I’d scroll on my ‘phone, constantly plugged in. I’d compare and contrast the “potted highlights” of others. This wasn’t always a great use of my time. But, this instant access was also amazing. I connected with people at a similar stage of life to me (some of whom we are still in contact 12 years on). I was able to find information and communities that felt like-minded. And, most importantly, I found role models of entrepreneurial working parents, who gave me the insight to go and start my own business.

In my professional life, I meet most of my clients within their working life. Some come to me when they are looking to return to work after parental leave. Others may come to me after a career break, whilst searching for a job. Others come to me to support them through life transitions, whilst happening to be a parent. This could be physical or mental health challenges, bereavement or a sabbatical. For all, there is one fundamental question they are looking to answer.

Who am I now?

Motherhood can be all-consuming, by choice or design. I can’t think of any other physical feat, that includes sleep deprivation, that wouldn’t be facilitated with more hands-on support. Yet, the emotional, physiological, psychological and societal changes that occur with motherhood are underplayed. This has an impact; from maternal mental health to financial stability is huge but not always discussed as part of our parenthood preparation courses. We are schooled in great detail about the birth, but not about the life we will live once our children arrive. 

So, today, I encourage you to take some time to talk. Find someone that you feel you trust and share how you feel about your current stage in motherhood. What are you missing? What do you want back? What do you enjoy?

It might be you are working your way through the transition back to work. The guilt of missing out on time with your little one is balanced by the excitement of challenging your professional side. It might be (like me) that you are on the cusp of your eldest moving to university, and you are wondering how to parent when your child is living separately. You can lean deeply into the AND of your identity. That you are a mother AND a business owner AND a partner AND a friend AND a yogi AND a reader AND a volunteer AND , AND, AND.

When you feel like you have got to the end of your AND, ask yourself one simple question. How can I BE more of this person? Motherhood, and the Matrescence we go through, is just one part of who you are. Now it’s time to remember the rest!

If you are looking to start finding yourself again, reach out to speak about my coaching support. You can use the contact page, or book a time to speak directly through this link.