With over 15 million copies sold worldwide, “The Courage to be Disliked” has found its way onto quite a few bookshelves. The title seems to have waves of popularity, especially on social media, since its 2013 publication. Promising to give you tips on “how to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness”, I was intrigued to what was contained within. So, today I’m going to share my review of The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
The book is centred around the theories of Alfred Adler, a psychologist as influential in twentieth-century psychology as Freud and Jung. But one you may not know as much about. Some of the language from his theories, such as “inferiority complex”, has become part and parcel of our everyday or “pop psychology” language, without us understanding the concept as it was presented through Adler’s eyes. Unlike his contemporary Freud, who believed that our past determined our future, Adler took a teleological approach; namely, “it’s not what happened but how it was resolved”.
There are many criticisms of Adler’s theories, which this review won’t get into! But I would say that anyone who has spent any time trying to understand human psychology, and the changes in perspective since the advance of technology for things like brain scans and the understanding of trauma (especially epigenetics), will find this book a hard read in lots of ways. So, if you choose to read it, keep that in mind!
First released in Japan as “Kirawareru Yuki”, it combines the philosophical approach and psychological knowledge of Ichiro Kishimi, and the writing talent of Fumitake Koga. Where personal development books of its time often lead with finding empowerment and confidence through multiple scientific approaches, this leans into the traditional Greek philosophy tradition of a conversation. A conversation over five nights, based on real discussions between Koga and Kishimi.
The core of Adler’s approach that guides this book is three statements:
- People can change
- The world is simple
- Everyone can be happy
Over the 272 pages, we are given a “transcript” of a challenging and in-depth conversation between a disgruntled and cynical “youth” and an older, experienced philosopher, attempting to unpick how to be happy. I’ve not read a book like this before, and a couple of weeks on from finishing it, I’m still not sure what I feel about it. Some parts made me angry, parts that made sense and others that have left me feeling reflective.
Maybe that is the whole point of the book, and Adler’s theories?
However, in true Clara Cliff Notes style, I ALWAYS find things that I will take away from it. And I am sharing the five lessons learned here. However, you may read it and uncover very different things:
- Courage is the centre of all
It says it in the title, and the theme is central to the book (and Adlerian Psychology). That we need courage; this courage to manage the discomfort of change and the anxiety or fear it may create. The courage to not be liked, the courage to even be hated! It’s a strong perspective, but it makes more sense as the book progresses.
- Change perspectives
During the conversation, we are encouraged to move our thoughts away from a fixed perspective (i.e., ” I am a pessimist) to our current view of the world: “I have a pessimistic view”. This shift gives us the responsibility and the potential to change our view; nothing is fixed! As the Philosopher states early in the book, “The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment”
- How comparison can be healthy
Adler is seen to be the creator of the concept of “inferiority complex”, but like so many psychological statements, its original concept has been lost. For Adler, some inferiority can be helpful. When used correctly, it can help us create goals and take actions to “compensate for the thing that is missing”. It is what makes people now call “aspirational comparison”. Where it becomes unhealthy is when it’s used as a justification to not make change.
- That we need to stick to our own “tasks”
This is the biggest part of the book, and one that can really help us create boundaries, improve relationships and make us happier.
Everyone has three “tasks” through life: work, friendship and love. We are responsible for our part in these tasks, and our part only. Issues exist when we “overstep” and start intruding on others’ tasks.
He uses the example of a parent putting pressure on a child to study, which is one I think many of us can relate to! These create the “interpersonal issues” Adler believes are at the heart of all unhappiness.
He recommends we pay attention to “assist” when the other wants us to, and to get used to the concept of natural consequences, and removing the concept of rewards. This part, on its own, is worth reading this book!
- Be prepared to be disliked
Now, this final lesson learned brings us back to the title of the book. Rather than tell us how to make sure everyone likes us, the Philosopher challenges us to consider a simple question: “What should one do to not be disliked by anyone?”
It likely means shifting allegiances & consistently changing perspectives. That doesn’t sound like a long-term option?
So, becoming less driven by praise or acceptance, and more on board with our own worth, we can become happier.
Whilst this may all sound very philosophical, confusing and impractical (at times), the latter part of the book brings these often conflicting and confusing concepts together. Showing how interpersonal relationships are the source of all feelings. The goal, to lead to happiness (according to Adler), is the feeling of community within multiple communities, to have “horizontal relationships” (equal but not the same), and to feel like you have worth and value.
So, would I recommend this book? Yes, with a caveat. Take from it what you will. There are elements I feel quite connected to, and others that had me shouting at the book (and that is not an exaggeration!). It’s claimed it can take half the number of years you have lived to understand Adlerian Psychology; so, I have another 23 and a bit to go!
However, as a Coach, a lot makes sense to me and aligns with my approaches, including the idea of being future-goal-oriented and the belief that you can change; the conversations around our place in the community, how we assign value& worth, and the idea of individual responsibility are all ones that I am drawn to.
I’d love to know what you found interesting too. Head over to Creating Careers to Enjoy to join the conversation!
If you enjoyed this, you will enjoy these:
Book Review: Ikigai – The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life
Book Review: Happiness by Design by Paul Dolan
Book Review: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson
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I’m Clara Wilcox, the affordable coach who helps parents enjoy their careers again. Return to work, career & redundancy coaching for individuals, freelancers, businesses and parents & carer groups. Book a call to talk about coaching or career wellbeing workshops.
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
