We need to talk about the mental load

We are experiencing a time in our history where we are being pulled in opposite directions. Dependent on what you are listening to right now, you may be looking for a life full of “plenty” or working towards simplifying and streamlining. From the recent upsurge of “Konmari” thanks to the Netflix programme to the eternal “get up at 4 am for success” and” 695969696969 things successful people do before breakfast” checklist, it is no surprise we are confused. The one thing that remains, is the mental load so many of us carry; it’s stressing us out and it’s about time we STOP.

If you happen to have been living under a rock and have no idea what the mental load is, let me fill you in.  It’s all the things we have to remember; the things that hold a functioning family, relationship, childhood, and business together, that often (but not exclusively) fall on the shoulder of a Mother. It’s the invisible work that makes life tick along but doesn’t get recognised. Arlie Hochschild, in the 1983 book, “The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling”, described it as the “process of managing emotions and relationships in order to be more successful at your job”.

So, the “stuff” we carry for the mental load may be essential, but it’s EXHAUSTING when it’s just managed by one person.  This wonderful illustration has been doing the round for a few years now, and if you have any doubt about the reality of the mental load, this comic will show you how common it is in your life

What are we going to do about the mental load?

Parents are stressed. It’s not just me saying so – science is backing up what we have been telling the world for years. A recent study found that working mums are 40% more stressed than other women, and the only thing to impact that stress was to reduce the hours we work. But, let’s be blunt; why should working mums reduce their hours (and likely their pay) when there are still so many entrenched cultural and societal bias and expectations placed upon us, as well as very real financial obligations that couldn’t take a pay cut.

What I want you to consider today is what changes you can make. Some of this will be harsh, but you must pay close attention to why you carry the mental load and start changing our behaviour. Let’s look at the emotions that often unpin why the mental load lands where it does.

Responsibility
There is an endless cycle of being the holder of all things; it’s quicker to get it done yourself and, if we are brutally honest, you think it’s likely you will get it right. From buying school uniforms (they will only get the wrong colour) to party invites to work presentations, consider WHY you won’t delegate. This could be to your other half, family members or outsourcing, but often there is a habit of ownership driven by expectation. Are you worried about quality, or cost implications, which is why you don’t hand over the responsibility? Own the “behind the scenes of why you think you responsible. Don’t be a martyr to it.
Here is a big question – have you ever asked someone else to help?

 
Guilt
Guilt is a massive driver. Many of the working parents that I coach mention they feel guilty about working, and their antidote to this guilt is to be all things to all people. To be the BEST parent, colleague, friend, family member and partner they can be, apparently includes doing everything.
Another level to this could be the WAY you show your affection; doing stuff, being the provider, could also be your “love language” (there are five). This behaviour comes from a good place, but ultimately is wearing you out. Are there other ways to show you care?

 
Fear
Often fear is the basis of the mental load; worried that you will be judged for not being able to cope, issues of FOMO (fear of missing out), impact on your family and reputation, if you say “no” to things, or they aren’t “just so”.
Does any of this sound familiar?
We are surrounded by the projections of other people’s expectations, assumptions, beliefs, and judgment; they are unlikely to ever go away. What we have a lot more control over is how we react to them and how we manage our time.

So, which ones of these common emotions ring true for you, and the way you carry the mental load? Remember, there is very little we have to do in our world that can’t be delegated or for it to be “just good enough”.

What, you want to know the quickest way to reduce the emotional exhaustion? It’s this two-letter word.
NO
If that is too direct, then add a little flair:
“Not yet”.

And finally, add this sentence to your vocab: “I need you to help me …”

Let’s break the cycle and reduce the stress we place upon ourselves. What works for you? Join The Balance Collective and find over 500 parents looking to create a career to enjoy not endure.
 
Want to start sorting out your work-life balance right now? My online course “How to take control of your work-life balance” is only £40.