Managing yourself through parental leave; the art of taking control

I remember how anxious I felt returning to work after having both of my girls, even though I was returning to a role and team that I loved, with supportive management and culture. With my second child it felt like I was grieving, I am not afraid to admit I cried every work day for the first month I was back.

During a recent workshop, we discussed the work of Kübler-Ross, who is the mind behind the well-recognised Five Stages of Grief, which is the underlying theory of most, if not all, change theory. Whilst we were considering change in the context of managing teams, it struck a chord for me in the context of managing the emotions around the change of returning to work.

When “keep in touch days” were embedded into maternity leave regulations, there was an assumption that the transition back to work would be softened; mothers would feel updated on the latest news in the team, organisation and operational issues (such as IT updates and desk space) would be ironed out. With this in mind, I recently asked the Mums on my Facebook page the word that summed up how they were feeling about returning to work; the responses were overwhelmingly negative covering “scared” “guilty” “torn” “anxious”. Whilst it was great to see some positive “excited” comments, they were few and far between.

It is completely normal to react to change; there is a misconception that anything apart from immediate acceptance is a sign of difficulty or that the change is wrong. Consider how you react to change, normal every day interruptions to the norm: traffic making you late, your favourite sandwich not being available. Internally there is emotional movement through the “stages” from shock, to frustration, to acceptance; often you don’t consciously notice the internal shift – just the emotions you experience or the behaviour you show! Cue frustrated mutterings or a disappointing salad order!

When the change you are experiencing is life altering (just consider the different emotions you went through when you discovered you were going to become a parent!) it is no surprise that there is a strong reaction. Preparing yourself for this transition through maternity coaching is one area that can help. However, the following tips to guide you through the key stages may help get you into a positive frame of mind quicker.

Anxiety:
Consider what it is that is making you feel anxious and how you can gain control. Is it the worry of the change in finances, time implications or emotional impact of being away from the little one? Walk through the “what ifs” and determine what would be the best outcome – work towards making that happen. Identify the reasons why you need to go back to work and establish what is within your control.

Denial:
Distancing yourself from the reality of what is happening is a normal response; after the initial anxiety it can reduce the pressure. However, don’t forget the plans that you have started developing earlier; visualise what your (realistic) ideal work scenario would be and start noting actions (for example researching childcare or restructuring your finances to accommodate part-time work).

Fear and Threat:
Fear is primal, driving emotion that stops us getting hurt; stops us taking risks that could put us in danger. However, in a modern age this state often stops us taking calculated risks that can open up opportunities. Remind yourself of all your previous experience, your skills, your relationships and your network, when fear starts to drive your decision. These positive experiences will be your safety net.

Guilt and Depression:
For me, guilt hit me hardest when I was back at work. I had returned having lost my sense of self – not quite understanding who the “new me” was. With the support of maternity coaching, or simply chatting this through with someone who is independent, you can consider this stage as a way of re-evaluating who you are and what you want to be. What mattered to you before may not be the same now, and that is OK. Consider you values and purpose. It is perfectly acceptable to rewrite your internal “script”.

Gradual Acceptance and Hope:
This is when the new life you have starts to become normal, the positives outweigh the negatives, the new “you” is integrating with the person that you were, and the benefits of being back to work are clear. It is important at this time that you still reflect and remain in control; remember what you have been able to choose, what you have been able to control, and the motivations for your change (financial for stability for the family is the key reason mothers tell me they go back to work)

By recognising the reasoning behind your emotional reactions at each stage, you will have reflected and questioned, developed a vision for the future and committed to it; as it is within your control! In the academic theory of change, the evidence that someone has gone through a change successfully is happiness. However, acceptance of a change and feeling hopeful is a brilliant place to end up; this is the stage that I support clients to, before they start work, as part of maternity coaching.

I really hopes this helps anyone that is going through the emotional rollercoaster of returning to work. If you would like to find out more about Maternity Coaching (or paternity coaching) contact me on hello@thebalancecollective.co.uk.

If you are a business looking to support your staff with their transition to work, corporate packages are also available.