Book Review: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Dr. Brene Brown has been catapulted into legendary status since her Netflix Documentary “The Call to Courage” launched in April 2019.  Her research into shame and vulnerability, coupled with her impeccable comic timing and relatable delivery of what could be, complicated topics, means she is essential reading and listening for ANYONE interested in personal development. There was a massive choice of titles for the Balance Collective book club, but I decided to go with “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead”*.  This publication is pretty perfect for a book club for parents looking to create a career to enjoy!

This book is the culmination of 12 years of innovative social research, applicable across every area of your life including home, relationship, work, and parenting. But don’t be put off by the fact that Brown is an academic; if you have watched her talks, she writes in the same open, humorous, relatable way. She is painfully honest; she admits she is a vulnerability researcher who doesn’t feel comfortable with the exercises and questions she put her subjects through! This very fact shows the importance of ALL of us to acknowledge this side of our psyche; for our own wellbeing and the ones around us.

The centre of her work to dare greatly is the aim to cultivate a wholehearted life; this life contains all of these ten elements:

• Authenticity: Letting go of What People Think
• Compassion: Letting go of Perfectionism
• Resilience Spirit: Letting go of Numbing & Powerlessness
• Gratitude & Joy: Letting of Scarcity and Fear of The Dark
• Intuition & Trusting Faith: Letting go of the Need for Certainty
• Creativity: Letting go of Comparison
• Play & Rest: Letting of Exhaustion as Status Symbol & Productivity as Self-Worth
• Calm & Still: Letting go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
• Meaningful Work: Letting go of Self-Doubt and ‘supposed to’
• Laughter, Song & Dance: Letting go of Being Cool and ‘Always in Control’

Now, if you were to look at this as a checklist, how many do you think you have in your life? Don’t beat yourself up if it’s not a lot. Brown confesses in the book that at aged 41, she only had 2 out of the 10! And she’s the ‘expert’! That is what is key in this book; we are all a work in progress, and that we are all a result of our upbringing, culture, and environment. The only way to make real changes is to stop the repeated patterns and to uncover the most uncomfortable parts of us, to rebuild and create a wholehearted life.

This book will appeal to the most woo-woo of us, as well as those that need to see the numbers and the evidence behind the wellbeing focused suggestions. Dr. Brown is at the heart of this book and shows the science behind the storytelling!

It is a title that has universal appeal, not just for people but for the times; many of the clients I am working with feel in a place of scarcity in the current economic climate. During periods of uncertainty, it is easy to, as Brown puts it, hunker down. We are reminded that the opposite of scarcity is enough, not excess. And, with a wholehearted life at the centre of our thinking, enough may look very different, and within your control!

So, in true Clara Cliff Notes style, these are the five things you need to know about Daring Greatly.

1. YOU NEED TO READ IT
Yes, that has bold and capitals. I can’t think of anyone that this book wouldn’t be relevant for; from Managers, Teachers, Parents, Friends, Family. For anyone that is hoping to make a path for themselves or others around them. You need to read it. There is so much in this book that you will gain. Get it.

2. Everyone feels vulnerable
Something has seeped into our society that equates vulnerability with a weakness; however, not showing it, or accepting this in others, can cause damage. From relationships to potential career opportunities, keeping a hard exterior or judging others does so much harm. As Brown so eloquently puts it “To believe that vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.” Whenever you feel your “shield” going up, pause the process by asking yourself “What am I afraid of?” The research shows the link to trust; what or who do you trust and what can you learn from this?

3. Innovation arrives when shame leaves
Have you ever been in an environment when you have a new idea, it might be school, work, a friendship group, a committee, and you hold back from giving it? What stopped you? The research shows that it’s all linked to how shame resilient culture is. It’s having an environment is open to feedback that can help everyone learn.
It’s realising that shame is part and parcel of being a human being (the only person that doesn’t feel shame is a clinical sociopath); a shame resilient culture (and the people within them) trust that these feelings are temporary and related to what you do not who you are!

4. Change where your self-worth lies
“Nothing has transformed my life more than realising that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reactions of people in the stands.” Brown shares the version of this mantra consistently though this book and can be found in her talks too. Ultimately, we all want to connect with others; in fact, shame itself is a fear of disconnecting. To be not good enough and not worthy of love. But, far too many of us try and connect with the wrong people or the wrong measures of worth.
It is not suggested that we can remove this feeling, as we know it’s part and parcel of being an emotional, functioning human being. However, if we build our ability to be shame resilient, by moving our reaction from shame to empathy, we can have a healthier reaction to the experience.
The number one way of doing this? SHARE.
Brown shows us that the number one antidote to any feelings of shame is to share the story. Tell someone you trust (point 2) about what has happened. By doing this, it takes the power away of the event and enables you to move to a place where you know you and the feelings about the event or situation are two different things.

5. Genders experience shame in a different way
There is a really interesting chapter looking at what the research uncovers about the way genders experience shame. Women, as a whole, feel the most shame about how we look, then close second, motherhood (regardless of if you have children or not!). So many talked about how they are expected to be successful but not work too hard; women are “expected to be perfect but effortless”. So, women keep themselves small.
Men, in comparison, are given the message to NOT BE WEAK.
Pay attention to the messages you are giving to the people around you, and to the children and young people that are in your life. The only way that these gender stereotypes can be broken down is to be critically aware of the messages we are sending ourselves and others; how we talk about the Father that is being vulnerable and the Mother that is the main breadwinner, for example.
Brown gets us to pay attention to how much we are all part of these shame messages and to NOT PLAY ALONG when we see these happening!

So, before we finish, and in case I haven’t made this clear enough:

If you feel you can’t be vulnerable but admire that trait in others – then you need to read this!
If you want to be seen in your work or business – then you need to read this!
If you need to make sure you don’t parent with shame – then you need to read this!
If you want to create an innovative working environment – then you need to read this!
If you are fed up with gender stereotypes and roles in your family – you need to read this!

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Want to read the previous book reviews? Check out the link here.

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