How to balance your career whilst parenting a neurodiverse child

For most of us parenting is a pivotal life moment.   Many people will probably relate to the emotional, physical and general life changes that are a part and parcel of becoming a parent, the life sustainer of a little person.   The responsibilities and energies required to fulfil this role continues up to and in some cases not too long after the magic adult age of 18.

However, there is a part of this parenting club who relates to this parenting journey differently, they have the same but different experience of bringing a little person into the world who they may one day give back to the world as a fully independent and accepted part of society;  These parents also experience the changing emotions and the momentous physical and general life changes of the rest of the parenting club BUT their journeys are also weaved with a different type of change and that is the change in expectations, life trajectories and responsibilities, these parents are parents of children with additional needs.

If you are in this part of the parenting club, you will probably relate to what I am about to say in this post.

I am about to discuss the mental load, alongside having a career and a child with additional needs; What does this look like and what can you do if this is your parenting experience.

So first of all I would like to say that there  are many joyous experiences of parenting a child who is neurodiverse, in my personal experience, the joy of deepening my understanding of a world that is unlike my own, having to come alongside my son to communicate differently than I have before, has been an insightful and meaningful part of my mothering  journey.  However, this mental load notion is not a once in a blue moon experience, if I do not consciously manage it, it would be my daily existence.

So, what is this mental load that I am going on about?

The mental load is the thinking that is done before we do all the doing.    For instance, the shopping is not an act of mindless filling of a basket; as thought goes into nutrition, likes and dislikes and what everyone over-indulged in over the weeked.
The laundry is not simply putting clothes into a metal machine that magically cleans them, it’s thinking about uniforms, work clothes and not mixing colours and fabrics.   The mental load is all the thinking that goes into the doing.

In a family with a child with additional needs, this mental load is increased and exemplified by the experience of thinking of activities and possibilities which are unique to each family’s journey.  Added activities like appointments, possibly managing family routines around a need and the extra demands of the need itself can be an added pull on a family’s mental energy.
Simple activities such as going to the park or the supermarket are layered with precise strategies and emotional energy that makes the Xbox and online shopping the holy grail of experiences.

Managing this mental load alongside the realities of life and a career leads to a unique personal experience which is familiar but different for each family living and loving with neurodiversity.

 

 

 

 

Many families I have worked with have experienced one or both parents changing their career goals and desires to ensure that all of the needs of their family are met.   This is often a challenging time for the family and the individual(s) making the changes.   Alongside the financial changes, there are emotional and identity impacts that are inevitable with this type of change.

Families who build their lives around the need of their family members neurodiversity, experience emotions which range from grief to trauma to denial which all colour a part of the family’s journey in a shade that they were not expecting.

So, what can families do to relieve the mental load and manage these life changes and demands:

Let go of perfection

Perfection is a fallacy and can become the weight that ruins the foundation of what you are trying to preserve.  I.e your family unit.
Perfection leads us to want the ideal outcomes, the ideal solutions and the ideal outward picture which is near impossible for anyone to achieve.
Develop your family life around your new found perfection, it may mean that the dishes are not always washed straight away, it may mean that Saturdays are spent indoors wearing pyjamas rather than outdoors wearing wellies (this is someone’s perfection) and it may mean that the school you decided on as your little one arrived may not be appropriate now, acknowledge the loss and then let it go.   The alternatives may not be so bad.

 

 

 

 

Challenge your mindset

To preserve your mental health and relieve your mental load you have to challenge your mindset and old ways of being.    Like all parents you will experience an involuntary mind shift change, its coming, don’t fight it. The change from I go out every Saturday night to Let me curl up with my favourite throw on the sofa is on the horizon.
In your journey with your neurodiverse child you may find that the mind shift change is more profound, permanent and impacting.   You will think further into the future than is healthy or helpful to and I urge you not to project too far.   Live in the moment to enjoy, support and engage in your journey fully.  Live as you would have done previously – lead with a plan not with your fears.

Take regular Pitstops

The mental load can become heavier when we do not give ourselves time to unpack, reflect and restart.   Regular family MOT’s and self-reflection are crucial to ensure that what you are carrying, doing and feeling is reflective of the present journey and not the journey of yesterday.  We all have a tendency of bringing along on our journey, thoughts, practices and ideas that no longer serve the next chapter we are moving into.  Take regular stops as a family to reflect, refuel and restart

Everyone’s needs are important – including yours

It is easy to find that everyone’s needs and future revolve around the need you are loving and supporting.  However, again, I encourage you to think about this differently.   Everyone’s needs can be supported (including yours) but maybe not all at the same time.   Find a way that is unique to your family to recreate your new normal so that everyone is accounted for in the journey and everyone’s needs are addressed.   It is an exciting and scary prospect to let go of your norms but allow yourself to imagine, you never know your new normal may actually serve you well.

And finally,

Reserve your energies

So many parents that I work with have run themselves ragged going up against the system of education, health or social care.  There are so many reasons for this, reasons I fully understand but I would say reserve your energies, lead with the plan and not with the fear. When the plan is in place you can make decisions more clearly, approach potential conflicts more clearly and most importantly know that some days you do not need to fight because your plan is in motion.

Embrace the journey and uniquely take your place

Emma is a teacher and Autism specialist who runs a consultancy service to support schools and families to best support Neurodiversity.
Through the Essential Education Group Emma delivers a range of training services and prides herself on the family coaching course that supports you and your family to uniquely take your place. Pop over to our website and subscribe to receive our updates and follow us on Facebook,