The annual baby loss awareness week (9th – 15th October) is a week that we all wish shouldn’t be needed. But, like many other difficult weeks, it is an essential thing, to break the taboo of the reality of baby loss for many families. You may have already seen the hashtags in your feed before now, such as #Iamthe1in4, #bablyloss or #bereavedparents, hidden amongst others; these are the voices and the images of bereaved parents. Many find sharing their experience cathartic, and part of their healing process. Others also commemorate the memories of their little ones, keeping their memory alive.
Personally, I found writing about our experience helped; but the real power of my book, What Now, was the contributions from others. Everyone’s experience of loss varies, but the thing that bind people together is the power of sharing a story. I’ve been very lucky over the years to have a platform to share my experience, and life after loss; but today I wanted to share the words of another family.
When people talk about baby loss and miscarriage, often the Mother’s message is the one that is heard the loudest; but I want to share the words of the Fathers and the partners. I recently put a call out on my social media asking for anyone to share their experiences; I feel it was quite telling that the response was, well, limited. When I did a similar thing for my book, asking to hear from Mothers, I was overrun with heart-breaking, honest reflections of their experiences. I do think that is still quite a far way to go for supporting the mental health of everyone that is impacted by the loss of child; the fact that mental health awareness day lands in the same month as baby loss awareness is not lost on me.
So today, I want to hand over this blog to Ben, who shared his experience as a grieving father:
The thing I realised more clearly than ever when Caleb died was that we all experience and deal with grief differently and that no one should be expected to behave in any predetermined way when they experience grief.
In the past as a child and young adult on the couple of occasions that I lost people close to me I found myself asking myself how am I supposed to grieve? Should I be crying now? I struggled to birth my emotions or even know if those emotions would arrive.
With Caleb it was different, there was no time or place for conscious deliberations about how best to grieve. I was immersed in an overwhelming situation and I was strangely reassured that however I responded was the right way to respond.
My first response was to care for my family, to make sure Debs was being looked after. Our family had come to the hospital and remember hugging my dad as he cried and I told him that everything was going to be OK.
It wasn’t until Debs and I were left alone with Caleb and I held him for the last time that the emotion of sadness and the loss really hit me.
Debs and I were given information when we left the hospital about how we could access support to help to cope with our loss.
Debs and I talked a lot with each other, our children and our family and friends about how we were feeling in the days, weeks and months that followed.
We never felt the need to access any professional or structured support for ourselves or our children. We talked openly and regularly with the people we loved about how we felt and what we needed.
There were times that we questioned whether we were ‘supposed to’ access external support but we never felt comfortable with this. We did attend a family day arranged by Birmingham children’s hospital for bereaved families, but we didn’t feel comfortable in the environment.
We realised that we felt best dealing with our emotions as they raised to the surface rather than seeking support to help with this.
What we learned most of all was that all responses to grief are valid and each individual should seek to embrace and deal with those emotions in the right way for them whether that be through external support or through your family and friends.
Don’t suppress your feelings, let them come out in whatever way suits you
Like many other people that have experienced loss, the loss of a child, stays with you. It shapes your life and your choices. Likewise, the need to talk about baby loss and mental health doesn’t end after a few days. This is a subject that touches many more lives and families than people care to imagine. Let’s make sure the conversation it doesn’t stop when the awareness weeks do.
For any extra support, I recommend:
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
