An extract from “What Now” by Clara Wilcox for #BLAW 2021

The motivation to write my book “What Now? An Honest Guide to Miscarriage, Baby Loss, Parenting, Mental Health and Rebuilding Your Identity” was a simple one. I had a story to tell. What began as a therapeutic exercise, ended as a release and a way to help others going through the same thing. For this week’s article, for baby loss awareness week, I wanted to share an extract of my book, to bring you hope for now, and the future.

 

CHAPTER TWELVE: Don’t fight the new normal

 

 

“BREATHE. You are doing fine. Sometimes fine is

wonderful. Sometimes fine is brave. Sometimes fine is

Okay. Sometimes fine is making it. Sometimes fine is

being real. You are doing fine. BREATHE”

Rachel Marie Martin

 

Whilst I was writing this book, the working title was The Baby Loss Manual. It sounded crass and makes me uncomfortable, even now, but I couldn’t quite get this phrase out of my head. Why? Well, it was simply something that I wanted when we went through our miscarriage and late loss. I craved a step-by-step guide to help us get through it and help me understand what I was feeling, how to get to grips with the practical side, and how to speak to family, friends, work, and our little girl.

And, most importantly, how and when I was going to be in a better place.

The key thing I have come to realise over the time that has passed and through the process of writing this book is how powerful the word OK is.

In the early days, I was longing to be OK. All I wanted was to find a way of getting through the hours and days and to get back into a happy medium again.

However, there is an issue with this; the assumption that I, and we as a family, could get back to where we were before it all happened. People talk about wanting to get back to normal. Waiting for the moment things will get back to how they were before. But do you know what?

There is no back to normal.

This is your new normal.

Any life experience, good or bad, affects you. It moulds who you are as a person and changes the way you think about the world and yourself. Right now, life is likely to feel a bit discombobulated. Never heard of this word before? It means “to confuse, disconcert, upset or frustrate.”

It pretty much sums up how I felt in those months and years after we had our last loss. Things had started to settle, our ‘official’ grieving period had been and gone. I was back to work, settled, and happy.

That’s right, happy. Content, even.

And all of that left me feeling discombobulated. I was confused about how  I felt, frustrated about the fact we had to go through all of this. What happens is that your grief settles. It isn’t at the forefront of your mind, but it will often appear from nowhere.

A smell.

A sensation.

A name (even now I struggle a little in playgrounds when I hear someone calling “Callum”).

A scene in a TV show.

But I also had moments of complete joy, of peace and happiness and laughter.

I would talk about our little boy with a sense of nostalgia and sentimentality. I was proud of how we came together as a family. I’d watch my girl play or get absorbed into a book or film.

You get the gist.

So, my message to you is this. Don’t wait until things return to normal.  Don’t think you have to wait until you feel like your old self. Your life has changed, potentially beyond recognition. You will be trying to process what this means for you, your family, and your future. The person you were pre-baby loss doesn’t exist anymore. You won’t be that person again.

If you understand that positive experiences like travel, new relationships, self-development or education will change who you are as a person, then you must accept that this experience will change who you are too.

 

 

The profit from the book is donated to the wonderful Edward’s Trust, who helped my family work through our grief. You can buy your paperback or Kindle copy of What Now, today via Amazon.