Returning to work as a bereaved parent

With Baby Loss Awareness Week 2023 in full flow, I decided to investigate a certain word. Hope. This appears 46 times within my book, What Now (An Honest Guide to Miscarriage, Baby Loss, Parenting, Mental Health & Rebuilding Your Identity), and I think sums up what so many of us want to share. I am now over a decade on from my two losses, and whilst the grief ebbs and flows in ways I didn’t expect, that word, hope, rings so true. So today, I wanted to share with you another expert from my book. This is all about returning to work as a bereaved parent.

 

“I am not what happened to me.  I am what I choose to become” Carl Jung

I was treated with respect on my return to work. I went back a couple of weeks before my little boy’s funeral on a phased return; Monday to Friday, but shorter days. I had underestimated how exhausted I was, physically and emotionally, so their flexibility and understanding were appreciated.

I did have the opportunity to be signed off for longer if I needed it; you may decide that you need more time. Go and speak to someone at work, someone in Human Resources or a trusted colleague, to make sure you get what you need.

Whilst I relished the idea of being back to work, doing something I knew I did well with people I loved spending time with, the return was a lot harder than I expected. My brain was still foggy with the emotional turmoil. I found it hard to concentrate. My perspective on life and my priorities had shifted beyond recognition.

At the time I was running a small team on a project that was supporting businesses to find students and graduates for work experience. I loved what I did, but when I went back I found myself quickly feeling quite angry and frustrated.  It was hard to provide great customer service when you are thinking “So What?” when they’re grumbling about candidate shortlists.

I had an honest conversation with my manager about needing to take a step back and focus on numbers instead of people. I ended up moving into a data-driven, insular role. Ironically, the role that I was craving was one that I had rejected when I was pregnant as it was, I quote, “not for me!”.  I was given the opportunity to change my role to be less client-facing, to hunker down behind the scenes. I had temporarily lost my ability to think on my feet. I had lost my trust in my emotions.

I felt like I was losing myself, little by little.

Going back to work gave me the routine and sense of normalcy that I thought I needed at the time. Sometimes I do wonder if I went back too early. I ended up having another rebound week off, the week we had Callum’s funeral. The experience brought me right back to a place of emotional turmoil and I needed that extra week to take a step back and refocus.

Looking back, I do think being at home for longer, for me, would have done more harm than good. There were glimmers, even in the early days of going back to work, where I would have moments where I was just me, and not a bereaved parent.

No awkward pauses when someone saw me.

No sympathetic head nods.

Just me, doing my job.

These moments were fleeting, though. In the long run, work alone wasn’t enough to help me heal, but it was a great distraction.

How to ask for what you want

The preparation for going back to work starts within. You need to understand what you need and when you need it. When you are ready, it can be useful to regain control of the situation by making it clear what you need and asking for it.

It can be hard; I write this from the perspective of a bereaved parent who was working in a department filled with care, concern and open lines of communication. I just hope that this is something you have within your organisation or sector.

If you are finding it hard to know what you want, don’t worry. Things will change over time. Just take it a step at a time and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

The first step is just to think about what you need. Before you return, consider this:

 

What do you want to say?

You can decide how much or how little you want to detail about your loss. If you even want to mention it at all. Let your Manager and/or HR Department know what you want to say and make it clear how you want to handle your return. Think about who you are happy to talk about it to. Be aware this may change over time. That is OK.

 

How will you communicate?

I decided to be proactive with my colleagues before I returned (the joy of remote access emails). For me, it was important to have a gentle return. So, like any modern worker, I sent a group email to the people that I had decided I wanted to share more information with.

It went something like this:

“Thank you so much for all of your support over the past month. As you can imagine it’s been really hard for us all, losing our little boy the way we did. Whilst I am back, please feel free to ask me anything you wish. Please don’t walk on eggshells around me. It is upsetting, but you know me, I’m a talker. I’m not OK, not by a long way, but I will be, with time.”

When I left my job in 2015, I found that email when I was clearing out my correspondence. It made me smile as I remembered, how it helped me take that first step back into our new normal. By taking control of what I said to who, it meant that I was over the hardest part of any bereavement; talking about the loss on the first meeting since it happened.

What do you need?

Unsurprisingly, I was still having weekly grief counselling through the hospital when I went back. I was upfront about needing time off during the work day to attend. I tried to have the appointments as late as I could in the day; partly so I could have the bulk of my work day done, but also for my well-being. It meant I had an evening to recoup before I was back at work.

What other responsibilities do you have?

This is both in work and outside of work. Who else can offer you support? Are there things that you could do with stepping away from in the short term? Consider all the things you must do, and truly ask yourself how you feel about them. If they are causing distress or stress, take a step back.

Make self-care a priority.

Pay close attention to yourself. It’s very easy to let simple things like eating and sleeping slide. Consider what energises or distracts you – make sure you work these things into your day. “

 

 

 

 

Please share this far and wide with anyone that you feel it may help.

 

You can find other articles, based on this difficult topic of baby loss and bereavement here.