Why it is OK to be unapologetic when setting boundaries.

I know how it feels. You look around, and it seems like everyone has “it”. The ability to carve out time for themselves, to have a business or a job that energises them, and relationship dynamics that just work. You may be desperate for the same but have decades of an internal monologue that tells you it’s “selfish”.   That you to put others first. Does that ring a bell? Today, I want to discuss how it’s okay to be unapologetic when setting boundaries.

I recently shared a social media post that resonated with people. So, before I continue, I wanted to share this post with you right here:

 

“Some of my non-negotiables

I work a 4-day week
I stop after 2:45 p.m.
I read every day
I’m “second-hand first” for clothes and books
I’m diary-led – no unexpected work phone calls!
I’m driven by feminism & anti-capitalism
If I’m wrong, I’ll apologise.
I acknowledge my privilege.
I’m unapologetic about my boundaries.

Have you noticed something similar in all these non-negotiables?

It’s all about me!

These boundaries are part of my identity.

That’s why they start with ” I ”

It’s got nothing to do with you – in the nicest possible way!”

I’ve discussed my non-negotiables before, but in the content of my work, who I will, or will not work with. And I encouraged you to do the same, within this blog. But, I tend to find that people feel more comfortable creating and sticking to boundaries when it comes to work. Often because someone else is creating the boundaries and making the decisions.

But when we start to think about our personal boundaries (be it time, money, values, behaviour, or energy), it can feel harder. We are the result of a lifetime of influence from those around us: family, friends, culture and expectations. For many of us, we are told that centring our own needs, desires and wants is not the done thing. That leading by what is important to us makes us selfish, entitled and unrealistic.

Today, I stand here to give a new perspective. Burning ourselves out by living by others’ expectations is no longer working. Instead, imagine what could happen if we started creating a life where our individual needs are seen as a catalyst for a society that values health, sharing wealth, self-awareness and conversation.

What makes this approach healthy and able to function with others is communication. To be transparent and understanding of each other’s needs, finding compromise and adjustments whilst acknowledging a boundary.

When I reflect on the response to my recent “I” post (whilst I try to avoid getting my head turned too much by social media vanity metrics!), it was pretty telling the level of interaction. So, let’s break that post down today and see how you can apply it yourself.

 

First, it’s specific.

There are clear areas—from the time and days I work to where I spend my money, to how you can interact with me, to the ideologies that underpin how I live my life. I name them, which gives others an overview of what to expect. If people don’t like it, then we don’t work together. Furthermore, it means that like-minded people – both personally and professionally – understand what I am about.

 

Second, it’s start with I …

But I don’t finish. This approach doesn’t mean that I only think about myself, It just means that I think about myself first. To be able to show up healthily in all the roles I have (friend, daughter, wife, mother, sister, business owner), I need to consider what is important to me. Having a strong sense of identity is a powerful tool for wellbeing, as it helps build self-esteem, purpose and resilience.

Finally, it helps me stand my ground.

These non-negotiables are linked to choices and behaviours. I am open from the beginning, I live and work within these, so rather than just having a list that I push back on, I actively promote these through the day-to-day life I live. The conversations I have and the activities I run wholeheartedly towards. When you are sure of who you are and what you want, these boundaries are easy to put in place. When you frame them as part of who you are and can feel the benefits – seeing them as things that add value to your life rather than a wall that you have to defend – it’s so much easier to do.

 

What do you think? Does the idea of putting “YOU” in the middle feel possible? Work on actively changing your “programming” and think about how you can improve your life by starting with “I” at all times.

 

I run regular workshops if you want to work more on your boundaries. You can find the next one here. It won’t surprise you to learn that this is also a regular topic with clients during 1:1 sessions! So, book a call if you would like coaching on this topic. Ultimately, it’s key to creating a career to enjoy.