The Confidence Code (the science and art of self-assurance – what women should know)* was added to my to-read list following a recommendation. I seem to have a natural resistance to books about “fixing” confidence for women. I think the hesitancy is from years of hearing that it’s an “us issue”, rather than actually considering the structural, cultural, patriarchal and historical (aka all the above) reasons why women are told they aren’t confident. However, on this occasion, I decided to set aside those feelings and see what they had claimed to uncover. Let me share my review of The Confidence Code.
Before I continue with this review, I need to note that I’m reviewing the 2014 edition. It VERY much feels a book of it’s time. The paperback version, published in 2018, had an updated introduction. In the four-year space between the publication dates, it is no surprise that things have moved on; societal shifts (particularly in America), new research and conversations. The work of a book like “The Confidence Code”, the role models, and the research is now over a decade behind. This is a fact that hangs heavy throughout my reading, and review!
Katty Kay and Claire Shipman are journalists, and this is very clear in the book. Their writing style is engaging, descriptive and curious – and makes it feel very different to the other books I usually read. They aren’t trying to bombard the reader with their intellect or show how much they know. They want to ask questions, educate and stay curious. Between the interviews with experts and women in leadership positions, they include autobiographical reflections on their confidence within a sector that can often be aggressive and masculine. The book flows well – it’s not clear who has written what – and you are left feeling like you have had a peek into the complicated and ever-changing “science and art of self-assurance.”
At times, the book grated on me. In particular, the chapter discussing the gender gap in STEM is where the book appears dated. Over a decade on (or maybe more to do in the groups I move in, online and in person), there is less conversation about “girls not being good at maths”. However, it’s important to remember that this shift has been hard fought for, and shouldn’t t be taken for granted!
The book works on defining confidence (which isn’t settled!), and that is an interesting point. So many of us are told to be “more confident” but what is being asked is for us to be more aggressive, more assertive and to do more. By the end of the book, we are left questioning, “How do I want to be confident?” rather than wondering if it’s nurture or nature!
In true Clara Cliff Notes style, here are the five things you need to know about The Confidence Code by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman
- The power of failure
It may seem odd to discuss confidence from the perspective of failure. However, as shown throughout the book, reflecting, learning, and applying that reflection are massive tools to help you learn to be more confident. It’s the concept of “failing fast” that you may have heard of in the business world. Well, it works everywhere!
- Confidence doesn’t happen alone
A lot of time is taken in the early chapters talking about the “confidence cousins”. This term, created by the authors, represents a group of essential traits:
- self-esteem (valuing and accepting yourself),
- optimism (creating a positive outlook and gratitude),
- self-compassion (treating yourself kindly, especially after setbacks) and
- self-efficacy (believing in your ability to succeed in specific situations or tasks)
There are traits you may have heard about when discussing resilience.
It is shown throughout the book that if you don’t feel confident, but the concept seems abstract, working on these elements will lead to confidence, naturally!
- Action is the precursor to confidence
In the latter part of the book, Kay and Shipman provide some techniques and approaches to develop confidence. One that stood out to me (both personally and professionally) was to act before slipping into overthinking. One element that is shown throughout the book is that confident people are active! They often commit, then they think. Those whose rate themselves as unconfident will usually procrastinate and finds ways to stop themselves. But taking action leads to the ability to observe the results of your choices.
- The power of authenticity
It won’t surprise you that for the most confident people, they are living in alignment with their true nature. The decisions they make, the conversations they have, and the risks they take all come naturally. The book shows how this isn’t always because they are “Naturally confident” but because they are doing what works best for them. Things that align with their values. They are working on silencing their inner critics through positive reframing and staying true to themselves.
- There are elements of nature
What struck me as most interesting is how science has shown that “confidence” can be encoded in your DNA. But maybe not in the ways that you think! At the time of publication, there was the belief that between 25% and 50% of confidence could be attributed to genes. The “how” is varied. One example was a gene studied in rhesus monkeys – some had a version that led to them being more resilient, less anxious, and more confident, while others had a version that made them more anxious. There are also other genes linked to oxytocin regulation, which can influence optimism, and another related to dopamine, which is tied to action and risk-taking.
With all this in mind, the book is clear. Genetics are not destiny; they are a predisposition, but confidence, with intention, practice, and taking a whole-personal approach, can be developed and strengthened. When it comes to what women should know, it’s very clear. Women are shown, time and time again, to be just (if not more) competent than men. The key for women is to find their version of confidence, which is authentic, more action-focused, and comfortable with failure.
More recent books and conversations on the topic of women and confidence are showing a shift, including the power of knowledge as a core component of confidence, and actively questioning who is gatekeeping this information, and more importantly, to what end. Despite the significant shifts I have seen in the past 25 working years, the confidence gap still exists. In a recent poll from the Career Development Institute, 32% of women versus 25% of men cited lack of confidence as a significant obstacle to achieving their career goals. So, it appears, women being told it’s an “us problem” isn’t working. Maybe it’s time to move the focus somewhere else?
I’d love to know your thoughts! Have you read the book? What other titles would you recommend? Come over to Creating Careers to Enjoy and share.
If you’re looking for one-on-one coaching support to boost your authentic confidence, I can help. Find out more about my services or reach out to book a call.
If you enjoyed this topic, then also check out these titles:
On our best behaviour by Elise Loehnen
The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Sieghart
Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez
Fix the system, not the women by Laura Bates
*This is an affiliate link. If you click through and purchase, I may get a commission.
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
