Book Review: Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy

The hardback version of Together* was published in April 2020, before any of us could have expected we would be reeling from being unable to connect with our nearest and dearest for months on end. I’m sat typing this at my desk, in September 2021, 18 months after the UK and the rest of the world went into lockdown. Isolation was encouraged, leading to a whole new way of living.  For so many this meant rewriting what community and connection meant and finding new ways to communicate with those around us. Together provides an interesting breakdown of the negative impacts of loneliness on our physical and mental health, as well as hopeful and positive examples of the power of togetherness.

The subtitle sums up the power of the book “Loneliness, Health and What happens when we find connection”. So, why is Dr Murthy so well placed to write this book? As the promotional explains:

“When Obama appointed him Surgeon General of the United States, Dr Vivek Murthy observed the growing health crisis of isolation first-hand. In this ground-breaking book, he traces the roots of the problem, and shows how loneliness lies behind some of our greatest personal and social challenges, from anxiety and depression to addiction and violence. But he also reveals the cure. His search led him to talk to doctors, scientists, parents and community members around the world. The solutions are deceptively simple and easily applicable – and the effects are transformative. And one thing is clear: real human connection is a medical necessity if we want to stay healthy, emotionally and physically. We can all create it, and benefit from it, and it is more urgent than ever that we start now.”

It’s a mixed bag of a book; science and philosophy mixed with case studies and anecdotes. It’s important to note that some of the topics are triggering; there are discussions of suicide, addictions and death. The first half clearly shows what can happen to people and communities if loneliness takes hold, and the second shows what can be created through connection and purpose. I feel like it’s a great starter book to this issue, to build upon the findings of Humankind, explaining how people as a whole have great intentions, but how human nature can get in the way and separate us. 

So, in true book club style, here are the five things I feel you should know about Together.

We aren’t designed to be alone

In historical terms, the shift to individualism (in part driven by a capitalist culture), is a fairly recent one. As we have learned in other reviewed books, we are not evolved to be so “alone”, or with limited social connections. These feelings of loneliness impact how we think and behave, as well as how our body functions. So being impacted by loneliness is not a personal fault, it’s a symptom. As stated on page 42 of the book “ … our current state is different from what our physiology is engineered to support”.

 

You can be lonely, surrounded by people

Three types of connection are needed for wellbeing, all of which loneliness can impact. These are: intimate, relational and collective. So, you can be in an intimate relationship with a partner, but not have a larger purpose (collective). The book encourages us all to look at the different relationships we have, and if we can, work on having connections at multiple levels.  There are also protective factors in these relationships too;  should we lose one type of relationship, we can still have a happy, supported and fulfilled life through the other types. 

 

Solitude and loneliness are not the same thing

The modern concept of loneliness didn’t enter into the modern language until the 16th Century; previously it was more based on oneness. This is akin to mindfulness and a closer connection to spirituality, comparable to the concept of collective connection. It’s suggested that this shift in language is linked to changes in civilization; people moving, the loss of the “village” and the drive to compete and create division. Psychologist Dr Ami Rokach defines loneliness as “when our social experience fails to meet our social expectations”. Taking our own social expectations into consideration can help us understand what we need to enrich our experience and reduce loneliness.

 

Work on being in service to others

There is well researched and evidenced psychological trauma attached to loneliness. Being lonely can change how we interact with the world; humans become hyperaware which can lead to suspiciousness and self-centred behaviour. A vicious cycle begins of withdrawal, which can lead to serious health implications. However, an antidote to this is being in service to others. Dr Steve Cole shows how supporting others is linked to purpose and meaning; it can also help us become more connected in others, expanding what and who we care about. So ask yourself how you can do this? Volunteering is a great way to start. 

 

Digital connections aren’t a problem, per se

As parents, we are often concerned about the amount of time that the younger generations are spending interacting online. There are often assumptions that this is causing disconnection and leading to issues with loneliness. However, “Together” highlights that the issue is HOW digital media is used, not just the quantity of time. This is important to consider, especially how many of us are moving to remote or agile working following the pandemic.  Think of who you are connecting with, and how you are interacting? Is it creating and maintaining quality relationships? 

This book will not only open your eyes to the importance of connection but provide you with the hope that we can find relationships that suit our personalities and circumstances. Its overarching message is to pay attention to healthy relationships that bring value to your life. By being aware of your early red flags that demonstrate loneliness, can help you stay present and purposeful with those that matter. It is important to note that there are infrastructure, policy, politics and cultural changes that need to happen, but we can start with what we know best, ourselves. 

 

What did you think of Together: Loneliness, Health and What happens when we find connection”? Come along to my Facebook Group and let us know! Join for the book chat and stay to create a career to enjoy! 

 

You can find other book reviews here

*You can purchase the reviewed books on The Personal Development Book Club Link. This is an affiliate link, that may raise a few pennies for me, but won’t cost you extra.