How to craft your boundaries

Once a week, within my Facebook Group, I prompt the members with “Self Care Saturday”. There are weeks where the members answer with a varied list of how they are focusing on themselves. However, there are many occasions where there is digital silence. I do worry this is an indication that they don’t consider themselves a priority. So, let’s take some time to consider how to craft your boundaries, to find more time for YOU!

Self-care, like so many other things, has become commercialised, with advertisements telling you that it can only be achieved if you buy product A or service B. I agree that it’s essential for physical and mental wellbeing that you carve out some time for rest. But the implementation is often very different! Self-care is impossible to achieve if you don’t have boundaries! Boundaries for your time, energy, attention, effort, money and emotions. However, many of us can’t identify what these boundaries are, let alone how to hold them in place! 

What our boundaries are transition over time, based on what is happening and needed in your life. Like many other aspects of creating a career and life to enjoy, you need to pay attention to what you pay attention to! Whilst this isn’t an exhaustive list, your boundaries are influenced by:

• Your needs
• Your responsibilities 
• Your wishes 
• Your energy 
• Your resources
• Your support network

Boundaries work by putting YOU at the centre. However, if you have been bought being told that you come last and that your time is only “free” when others have been satisfied, you are going to find this concept hard. This issue is linked to the Human Giver Syndrome. I recommend you check that out this book if your internal voice is telling you that time for yourself is selfish.

Right, seeing you have got this far, I assume that you know that time for you is allowed (and expected in the world of The Balance Collective). So, how do you craft your boundaries? Quite often we only know that our boundaries have been breached when they have been pushed too far. When we are tired and fed up! So instead, let’s start to use our boundaries as a guide to life, rather than an alarm system. 

Today, we move to get them in focus! It means a little work, but it will be worth it. I’m going to coach your to craft your boundaries, Grab a pen and paper, and work through the following: 

1. How to discover your boundaries

Write down EVERYTHING you would do, if you weren’t responsible for someone else. Don’t think about work, or home, or colleagues, or family. Yes, I know it goes against everything that we are used to, and it will be uncomfortable, but you need to start thinking a little differently. 

Stuck? Ask yourself what hours you would work, who you would work with, what you would charge/what your salary would be, who would you hang around with, where you would spend your free time, who you would be with and what you would be doing. 

You can free write, do bullet points or even rip out pictures and words that match how you feel.

It doesn’t matter if these are not realistic, as long as they are ethical and legal, write them down! 

2. How to define your boundaries 

Now we are moving into the realms of reality. Think about how you could communicate your boundaries. 

Using the BE: HAVE: DO approach is useful. What will you BE, HAVE and DO when your boundaries are in place?

You can place this into themes if it’s easier to imagine. This could include: 

• Work
• WellBeing
• Relationships
• Personal Development
• Health
• Finances

So, drill down into the specifics; covering areas such as:

• Working Hours
• Values of people you want to be around
• Behaviours of people
• Experiences you want to have
• Things you want to own

For me, for example, I know that I want to work school hours, that the people that are around me are open, inclusive and generous and that they respect me and my commitments. I want to be able to attend certain groups and classes, and support my girls in their hobbies, and that as a family we can go travelling.  This is the backbone of all the decisions I make going forward. 

3. How to enforce your boundaries 

Finally, the part that people struggle with. TELLING PEOPLE. Far too many people get frustrated when they feel people are taking liberties or they can’t say no. But often, they aren’t indicating to people what their boundaries are. PEOPLE CAN’T READ MINDS.

Consider how you can be proactive with your boundaries. 

For me, that includes making people aware of my working hours through email signatures, communications, and telling people when I work. This worked to when I was employed too, in case you were wondering. I have certain activities that are important to me, so they are blocked out in our shared family diary, and I also encourage those around me to do the same for themselves. 

Finally, I have a range of responses to things I won’t tolerate. Don’t forget that “No” is a complete sentence! I pay attention to my emotions, try to take time before I respond to request and consider if the activity/person/choose supports the values that I hold dear. 

So, think about how you can enforce your boundaries, day to day. Practise something small first, and pay attention to how others respond, and how you feel. Over time, you will get more comfortable standing your ground, and pursuing the opportunities that are important to you. I would love to hear how this works for you. Come over to Creating Careers to Enjoy and share the results of crafting your boundaries. 

 

 

Clara Wilcox is a straight-talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is has a social mission focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance. Isn’t it time you created a career to enjoy? Read more of the blog here.