Book Review: The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban

I can’t speak about balance without considering boundaries. In my humble opinion, they go hand in hand. I may even be as bold as to say that you can’t have balance without boundaries. During my 1:1 coaching and well-being workshops, this issue comes up a lot; both on a professional and personal level. It could be said that naming out boundaries is easy; communicating them effectively is when the hard work starts! The Book of Boundaries (Set the limits that will set you free) * caught my attention – could this book help make a difference in how you communicate your boundaries? Let’s find out!

 

Mellissa Urban is better known as the co-founder of Whole30. I must confess, this was something that flew under the radar for me; I consciously remove myself from anything that is associated with dieting! If I had known who she was, I probably wouldn’t have bought the book! However, I am glad I did, as it was a much more refreshing and accessible read than I would have assumed. This, in itself, is the first lesson in boundaries – try not to make assumptions before you have more information! 

 

Based on Urban’s experience in helping “millions of people establish life-long healthy habits” The Book of Boundaries aims to “show you how boundaries are the key to better meal health, energy, productivity and more fulfilling relationships.” She shares her individual journey with addiction and sobriety to help us contextualise her experience of creating, communicating, and keeping her boundaries strong. This element of autobiographical self-reflection is a nice addition but doesn’t take away from the way you can personalize the suggestions to suit your needs. 

 

Like any good personal development book, it gives you a “how to use guide” at the beginning, which is combined with a clear description of why boundaries are essential. If you don’t believe that they are justifiable, it makes it even harder for you to communicate them clearly, than to hold the boundary.

 

What makes this book interesting (I wanted to say unique, but haven’t read enough on this subject to justify such a bold statement) is that we are provided with a range of scripts to help us directly share our boundaries with others; either in advance or during a moment of boundary breach. These examples are grouped together within relevant theme chapters, including: 

 

• The Real Work/Life Balance: Setting Boundaries in the Workplace
• When Your Drama is Your Mama: Setting boundaries with parents, in-laws, grandparents and other family members.
• Love, Marriage, Sex & Dishes: Setting Boundaries in Romantic Relationships.
• Relationships we (mostly) choose: AKA friends and neighbours.
• Clearing The Table: around food, alcohol and table talk.

 

An important chapter in the list is “Gifts to Future You: setting and holding boundaries with yourself”. A person that we often forget when considering balance! Urban has a “green, yellow, red” system of the suggested responses, based on the threat level; namely, how close are we to the boundary being misunderstood or infringed? This system and the suggestions can help you pre-empt issues, or assertively stop people, based on how you feel, the frequency this issue has arisen and the impact of it.

Whilst I can’t imagine myself using all of the scripts (some of it doesn’t feel like a natural conversation) the suggestions can be adapted to suit your style and can give you a good starting point. What I like are the green examples, which allow us to open up a conversation in a way that may feel possible for most. They could also help you send messages; not all of this needs to be done in the moment, and face to face!

 

So, in true Clara Cliff Notes style here are four things you need to know from The Book of Boundaries:

 

1. A boundary is about your behaviour, not theirs.

It’s a big step, but one that we often struggle with. Ultimately what others think or do is, within reason, out of your control, especially when it comes to boundaries. Your boundary is a wish for you to preserve your choices; you can’t change the thoughts and behaviours of others. This key is communicating what you will (and will not accept).

 

2. Boundaries are kind.

It is easy, and common, for other to make you feel guilty about communicating and sticking to a boundary. However, the clarity and consistency that boundaries can provide are kinder for everyone, but most importantly, us. Often a boundary is put in place to maintain or enhance a relationship, by being clear about what you need as a person. If someone pushes back on that, it says more about them, than you! 

 

3. You can respond to boundaries at any point.

How often do you feel you have missed an opportunity to discuss an overstep in the moment?  The green, yellow, and red system give options to calmly and clearly communicate after an event, or even pre-empting issues in the future. The key is based on knowing why these boundaries are important to you, rather than having the aim to encourage people to agree with you.

 

4. You may still find other’s boundaries hard.

The final chapter talks about how YOU may respond to boundaries – whilst you may become the expert in sharing yours, you are only human, and may respond negatively to others sharing theirs with you. This chapter not only helps us put ourselves in the shoes of those that may struggle with our limitations but gives us permission to make mistakes; it’s all about the belief we can change! 

 

So, if you find yourself needing to have some potentially tricking conversations with those boundary breachers in your personal or professional life, then I do believe that The Book of Boundaries is a place to start. It will not only reassure you that boundaries are essential, but it will also give you some tools to make it easier for you to share them.

 

Have you read The Book of Boundaries? Come over to Creating a Career to Enjoy and let me know what you think. We share our thoughts on the monthly read-alongs in the Facebook group and have regular Career Q&A sessions. 

 

 

*If you buy this book through this link, I may get a small commission.