Book Review: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

Do you feel like you have an ever-growing list of responsibilities, actions, and duties in addition that piles on top of your mental load? It’s not enough to have to take action, but you need to consider and plan everything, just to make things happen. Unsurprisingly this comes up almost every time that I work with a parent when they return to work, and nearly all the time in conversations around career changes. One of the plans I have for 2024 is to look at this issue – to step away from the tools and techniques that I have been sharing through my coaching and wellbeing training and bring in new perspectives. This starts with Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

A celebrity favourite (I believe this book got a major boost through its inclusion in Reese Witherspoon’s book club) I was hopeful for the revelations it would bring. It leads with the promise it will empower you to “share the mental load, rebalance your relationships and transform your life;” I was excited to read it. The basis of the book is to bring the structure and ethos we use in the corporate workplace and apply this to home and family life. As Witherspoon is quoted on the front cover, “ A hands-on guide for navigating the hot button issues that so many families struggle with.” 

And, well, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, after working my way through the 310 pages and growing my understanding of the Fair Play system. My emotions range from frustrated, perplexed, amused, and disappointed. It sets out a hetero-normative approach of the female of the partnership not only being the default parent, but the male “other half” being frequently clueless, regularly naive, and too often ignorant. Maybe it’s down to the circles that I move in that there are many more equal and fair partnerships; it led me to feel very sorry for the people that she interviewed and the sad future of these relationships. The author does make it clear that the book is very much based on her experiences and those around her, and, because of this, this won’t be a book that easily suits single parents or anyone who isn’t in a male-female dynamic.

That’s not to say that things can’t be learned from this if you can whizz through the pre-amble before the process. It felt as if she needed to justify the change in home and life management strategy, which makes me think the people who need this book are never going to read it. For example, she even gives scripts people can use to introduce this to their partners, which makes me think there are more important communication and relationship issues that need to be addressed, way before the thought of the “fair play” system.

Furthermore, the only options that seem to be discussed, career-wise, are working out the home or being a stay-at-home parent (or person); even as a business owner herself, she writes with an assumption that you will be travelling to an office, or for work. Even though it was published “pre-pandemic” in 2019, there was still a massive movement of entrepreneurs who worked from home, as well as remote/agile working employees. This doesn’t seem to have been acknowledged explicitly, as this work-home dynamic is another layer to re-balancing expectations around the mental load and how time is equally valuable.

However, like all book reviews, there is a light at the end of this confusing tunnel. When you strip it away, some approaches can be used; but I don’t think I’ll be creating or purchasing the cards any day soon.

So, without further ado, here are the four things you need to know about “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky.

1. The aim is equity, not equality.

This isn’t an aim to “split” all the household and mental load tasks down the middle and for ongoing ownership. It is about understanding what is important for that week or month, and then it goes to the person or people who can take FULL OWNERSHIP. It’s encouraged that regular meetings allow for redistribution of responsibilities, based on capacity and interest. And no one person automatically gets allocated a “card” forever. It also acknowledges the invisibility of many tasks people hold, and how we have to break the cycle of assumptions around the energy and time these smaller, regular and ongoing responsibilities take.
2. Standards and qualifications are agreed upon.

The aim is for all parties to understand what good enough looks like, and to break away from doing things out of habits or expectation. Within this, there is the concept of “Minimum Stand of Care,” so that everyone knows what is expected; from the time the cat litter gets changed to the lunch packed for the kids!
3. Full ownership is clearly defined.

I feel this part, which is really the framework that helps move the mental load from the default parent or person, is where Eve’s legal consultancy experience really shines. Another acronym for you to remember, CPE, means Capture, Planning and Execute. Commonly, people who “execute” a need feel like they are taking full responsibility when, in reality, another takes on the mental load of noticing, and then preparing. The Fair Play system allows for understanding what it looks like for all three aspects, and EXPLICITLY naming this responsibility for whoever takes the “card” for that time.
4. Everyone’s time is valuable.

The book confronts the common issue of people making assumptions about how much time they have available based on their financial contribution, work status or gender (yes, that is apparent through the interviews in the book). Within this, the importance of “Unicorn time”, allocated time for each person to work on their skills and personal ambitions is given the space it deserves.

With a compassionate mind, I can see how elements of this could be cherry-picked for anyone, children or not, and for those that aren’t partnered up, could substantially their husband or wife with the other people across the support network. However, all I could think of when I read through it, is it STILL puts the pressure on the very person who is carrying the mental load to instigate and drive this change. I hope, in reality, partnerships are hearing about this method and working through it together, but I fear the people who need it aren’t the people who engage. What this does show, however, is the wider and ongoing conversation that needs to be had around gender roles, capitalist structure, how people really need a village and the pressure that so many are under. However, Fair Play is not the book to do that.

So, in conclusion, the concept is interesting and potentially useful, but the book isn’t necessarily the best way to access it. Maybe take yourself over to the website to find out more.

For those that have fully implemented the Fair Play system, let me know how this is going for you. If you have also read the book, please let me know your take on it.

You can find previous book reviews and recommendations here.

If you would like to find out more about how I can help you, feel free to explore the website or reach out to arrange a suitable time for us to speak.