It’s time we start to have some serious conversations. One thing this year has taught me, is that however hard we plan, forecast, and hope, some things don’t go the way we expected. Some things appear from nowhere and knock us off our feet. It can lead us to feel overwhelmed, emotionally wrung out and can chip away at our wellbeing, putting our mental and physical health at risk. However, one thing I have noticed that can alleviate this, is simple, but often the hardest thing to do. It’s time we get comfortable with difficult conversations.
When our life, our career or our community starts to feel out of control, it’s human nature to jump to conclusions, allocate blame, feel like we want to escape, or that we are trapped.
When we notice these things happening, our body and our mind are having a conversation with us. It’s telling us we are moving into a natural stress response state: either fight, flight or freeze!
However, sophisticated we think we are, whenever we feel like we are in danger, real or perceived, our nervous system react without us even thinking about it! You may recognise the physical symptoms, racing heart, sweaty palms, increased breathing. ALL of this is our body preparing us to protect itself. It’s something that makes sense when we are in physical situations that feel threatening; that our body is getting us ready to run away (flight) or protect ourselves (fight). However, our brain can’t separate short term threat (for example stepping out in front of a car) with long term threat (worries about health, money or managing life stress). So, in modern-day living, the on-going psychological threats that we have are reacted to, the same way as if we were going to be attacked.
With everything that is going on in the world, right now, it is no surprise that many of us are living in a perpetual state of stress: fight, flight or freeze! Flight is how it sounds; you get ready to run. Fight, again, is to react and battle your way out of it. Finally, the less understood freeze is the inability to take any action. It can show up in our thoughts, our behaviours; from a short temper, the inability to sleep, stomach issues to headaches. Over a long period of time, this can lead to a negative impact on your quality of life and mental health.
How can a difficult conversation help you and others?
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You can notice physical symptoms easily, but it’s natural to put this down to being ill or run down, and not to equate this to the environment you are living through. Often others notice this change in us before we do ourselves. But as these symptoms start to collect, we can do something that will not only support you there and then, they can help you develop healthy coping strategies for the future.
- Ask for help
Opening up and being vulnerable is hard, but it allows people to help where they can. It can be as straight forward as telling someone you are finding things difficult, to, I need some help with finances or food, but either way, it’s starting a chain reaction of support and understanding. However simple it seems; this is often the hardest thing to do. However, we see that time and time again, this difficult conversation is usually answered with understanding and support.
- Move
I’ve recently discovered something fascinating about the power of movement, and how it puts a “break” in the natural stress reaction cycle that occurs in your body. So, when you feel anxious, distracted, jittery or notice you are physically shaking, it’s your body telling you that it’s time to stop and reset your nervous system. One way is to cut the cycle straight down the middle by literally “Shaking it off.” So walk, run, dance; anything that tells your body you are moving to protect itself.
- Talk more
We have all heard of the phrase “ a problem shared is a problem halved”. To get our thoughts out of our heads, share and realistically and positively reframe our thoughts and enable an action plan, is exceptionally powerful! However small it may feel, this is the starting point of regaining some control.
- Notice others
Until science advances, mind reading is physically impossible. However, people’s behaviour is one indication that they are struggling, and that a difficult conversation needs to happen. Don’t go into solution mode – something that we natural fixers tend to do. Instead, ask them how they are. Mention what you have noticed; maybe they aren’t replying to texts, or not turning their video during zoom or are telling you, even though it may be light-hearted way, that they are struggling.
Often, we have all the answers within ourselves, but just need a non-judgmental person to enable us to unpick what we are feeling. This may be a great time to signpost them to places that can support; often the resources we need are at the tips of our fingers, we just need some headspace to find them.
Sometimes the most difficult conversation happens in your head, just before you open your mouth. Right now, we are living in a world where we are physically apart, but that doesn’t have to be emotional too. Reach out to your support network when you need them, and make sure that we keep looking after each other.
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Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective has a social mission, focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance. Isn’t it time you had a career to enjoy not endure?
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
