Do Dads need return to work coaching too?

There is still a deep-seated assumption about who return to work coaching is for. It doesn’t matter how targeted I think I am with my marketing, and how wide the conversations are about my coaching support, I am regularly described as a return-to-work coach for Mums.  There are so many gendered assumptions that exist around the roles of Mums and Dads, and the expectations about how parenthood may impact each person.  I was recently asked, “Do Dads need return to work coaching too?” My simple answer was “Yes!”. In this blog, I will give you the longer answer.

The route to parenthood is varied. Many people become parents down a biological route, others through adoption. Some people live with their partner. Others don’t. Many babies are born after rounds of IVF or losses. Others arrive apparently without a hitch.  The development of a family to include children doesn’t follow a blueprint and can’t be compared. Yet, there is still an assumption around who needs support.

If you are a long term reader of this blog, you will know how I have discussed the support that parents need when they have been away from work, or on a career break.  I am not going to insult your intelligence to explain that it’s not tied to gender; parents are not either Mum or Dad! However, so much support within organisations is focused on the parent that goes on extended parental leave. And that is assumed to be Mum.

There is a transition that occurs within a person when they become a parent for the first time. Their whole life, priorities and expectations change. For each child that enters their life, there are new adjustments, learnings, and desires. This is not reserved for the parent at “home”. it doesn’t matter if a person is still at work, turning up after sleepless night after sleepless night with a newborn; those shifts are still occurring.

In April 2015 in the UK, the law changed to legislate for shared parental leave. It was assumed that the ability to share maternity leave would enable families to spend more time bonding as a family. However, we see time and time again that there the take-up is not where it is expected. In fact, a 2020 study found that only roughly one-third of eligible fathers took SPL the previous year.  Whilst the idea of SPL is great, the practicalities are not; it’s often not financially viable for the family to take it. Don’t forget this isn’t additional leave, it’s SHARING the maternity leave. You also have organisational and cultural pressures; many companies do not share their policies clearly or have parental role models “leaving loudly”.

However, we are seeing an increase in the way families work to allow for better balance and time with their children. Parents want to be around for their children, whatever their age; In fact, the world of post-pandemic work will be led by the demand for flexibility!

But let’s start to set a few things straight. Parenting roles are not as binary as society tries to convince us. There has been lots of well-reported research about the changes in the brain once you give birth, even how the biology of the baby is wrapped up in the brain of the parent long after they have made their way into the world. Yet, did you know that changes can happen with other parents too? When men become fathers, their testosterone levels reduce, and they are rewarded with a dopamine hit (otherwise known as the feel-good hormone) every time they interact with their child. Their brain starts to be rewired; areas that are linked to threat-detection, affection and nurturing are seen to change.  So simply, what they want, what they need and how they feel about their family starts to shift.

Whilst the numbers taking shared parental leave aren’t at the level that campaigners and policymakers would hope, there is a reality that needs to be considered. When a parent has a child they change. When they take leave from work to be with their child, be it a day a week or months at a time, when they return to work, they view their personal and professional life through a new lens.  As we have seen, their biology will have shifted by expanding their caring role. They will be impacted by a change in sleep (and we all know from “Why We Sleep” the importance of this). Becoming a parent, be it for the first or final time, is a life transition, and this deserves support to allow the person the opportunity to create a career they enjoy.

It’s not the birth that makes you a parent. A parent is created by having a child in your life. It rewrites a person’s priorities; it’s a mix of a range of emotions, responsibility, attention and worries. Because of this, every parent must have the opportunity to take the time to reflect on what is important to them.   When I work with my coaching clients, they find they feel less stressed and anxious, more in control of their work-life balance and more productive. Surely, it’s time that ALL parents feel that way?

Want to talk to me about coaching for parents? Feel free to book a time to speak here.

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