How to support bereaved parents when they return to work

I can’t discuss supporting parents back to work, without touching on bereaved parents. With nearly 25% of pregnancies ending by miscarriage or late loss, and 16 stillbirths or neonatal deaths a day, unfortunately, this is likely to be one of the most regular bereavements staff may experience.

I am writing this post from the position of a parent that has lost two babies: one early and one later, and my return to work on each occasion were very different. The first, shrouded in self-imposed secrecy and the second open and transparent (as the pregnancy was obvious and public). However, on both occasions the emotional distress was the same, impacted by the physical symptoms and aftermath of the loss.

Once a parent goes through this type of loss, the stories flow; you join this strange secret club, that is never mentioned until you have experienced the same thing. As part of this discussion, I have found out how varied and inconsistent the treatment is of women when the unthinkable happens. Whilst there seems to be policies and procedures for a range of return to work situations, too often they go to the wayside in the circumstances of baby loss.

 

 

 

 

It is not uncommon to hear things like:

“I was pressured to come back; it wasn’t just a feeling, but a request of a return date within days of my miscarriage”

“No one asked me what I wanted to say; when I came back colleagues asked me how my bad back was.”

“I was asked how the baby was when I returned from my maternity leave: no one had said I had lost him”

Are you as shocked and upset as I am reading this? I hope so. Just put yourself in the shoes of these grieving women. Baby loss, at any stage of pregnancy, is devastating – there is nothing a company or colleague can do to “fix it”, but some simple steps can be put in place to cushion the return to work.

1.ASK

Very simply, ask the question “What do you want me to tell people?”. Firstly, when the individual contacts you about their loss, and secondly, when they are due to return. Some may want to keep it private, which is fine, but they will tell you the reason (if any) they want to give for their time away. For me, that was my choice for my early loss. For the later one, I not only wanted people to know, I wanted to talk about him and what happened when I returned. You cannot make the decision for your staff member.

2.NO PRESSURE

The physical symptoms and recovery from a loss vary; it is not something that is over in a couple of days. Regardless of the gestation, there is a chance some type of surgery is involved; even a general anesthetic. Don’t compare other people in similar circumstances or have the expectation that the individual will be back within a couple of days.

 

 

 

 

3.STAGED RETURN

When the person is ready to come back, propose the option for a steady and gradual return. Maybe shorter days? Also, consider a temporary change in their responsibilities. Someone who has been off with a broken leg, for example, may get a change in their role – working from home or “lighter” duties. Consider a similar approach for a grieving parent. For my late loss, my duties changed to enable me to be less “client facing” and more focused on detail. I needed that at the time; it didn’t last forever but it meant I could still feel productive and purposeful whilst working through my grief.

4. GRIEF IS REAL

Regardless of the stage of the loss, the grief that is felt is real. Allow the same time and sensitivity for the process that you would allow for a colleague that had lost another family member.

5. WORDS HURT

In light of point four, there is nothing that you can say that will make someone feel better: avoid phrases like” Better now than later”, “At least you have a child” “When will you try again” or “They are in heaven now”. A simple “I’m so sorry and how are you?” is enough.

6.FUTURE PREGNANCIES

It is inevitable that any pregnancy after loss is tainted; extra anxiety and possibly additional midwife and doctors’ appointments. I know that mine was. Future pregnancies don’t magically erase the experience of the miscarriage, and often can bring back a feeling of grief or even guilt. Keep an extra special eye on your colleagues at this time; take them for a cuppa as they just might need a chat.

7.PARTNERS

This is my final point, as I hope that through this article you have been asking “What about the dads and partners ?” When a pregnancy is lost, often only the mother is thought about. Don’t forget the dads and partners that work with you. They are not just off work to support their partner, they grieve and hurt too. The emotional impact may be different but it is still as strong. Consider all these points when it happens to them too.

These seven very simple things, which come from a place of care and communication, can make or break a grieving parent’s return to work. Just a tender word and a little bit of empathy goes a long, long way.

For more information and advice these resources are useful:

SANDS: https://www.uk-sands.org/ (Stillbirth and neonatal death charity)

The Miscarriage Association: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/