Every month I offer up my thoughts on creating careers to enjoy for free, via an “Ask Me Anything” question and answer session in my Facebook Group. It gives you the chance to “pick my brains” about any subject related to careers, returning to work, confidence and balance. Over the years I have had a real mix of questions. However, there is one question that is asked the most. Whilst the way it’s asked may change, the underlying issues are the same. “How do I stop feeling guilty?”. So today, I’m going to share with you the tips I recently gave to this very concern.
This emotion comes up all the time when I am working with parents; it doesn’t matter if someone is coming back to a work after parental leave, looking for a promotion, upgrading their business or developing their career, that internal chatter will pop up. It’s no surprise that it’s been covered before in this very blog, including a “confessional” about how I deal with working parent guilt. Despite the world telling us that we don’t need to be guilty, these feelings can chip away and tell us we need to change. Confusingly, we are told we should:
Be doing more,
We should be doing less
We should be spending more time with our kids.
We should be more focused on our work.
The list goes on!
Ultimately, this issue is seeping into our consciousness and impacting our confidence.
When you consider all the responsibilities and obligations that we have as adults, in a world that is constantly bombarding us with conflicting messages, it’s no surprise we feel like we aren’t doing enough. I’m here today to tell you that you are, and to share with you three strategies to help you with your parenting guilt.
Whilst I would love to use a magic wand and “ping” the issue away – I can’t write this without talking about the very real issue of the cost-of-living crisis in 2022. This will impact the decisions that you have to make, and the resources you have available to you. So, please read this article with your personal circumstances in mind.
So without further ado, here are three ways to stop feelings of guilt.
- Ask yourself, “where is this guilt coming from?”
This question uncovers your values, beliefs and the people that have influenced your life.
Whose voice you are hearing within the critique?
Who is commenting on the behaviours and decisions that are making you feel guilty?
Our childhood and upbringing are our histories; the role models we had, and the messages we were given about parenting, all tap into this.
Work on renaming this emotion. Is it guilt? Or is it judgement, pressure, or expectations? It is because you are doing something that doesn’t align with your values? By honestly reframing this feeling, you are working towards understanding if these thoughts can lead to an actionable change.
How does this work? Let’s imagine your internal chatter is the voice of a long-held expectation of what parenting looks like. By identifying this, you could start to work on changing the definition of what YOUR style of parenting looks like, rather than that of others.
- Pay attention to the tricks your brain plays on you
This is something that I bring up EVERY time I work with a client and during well-being workshops. Our brain is very clever and prioritises self-preservation and belonging. One of the ways it does this is through the myriad of cognitive biases. One of these is confirmation bias; it will only pay attention to the things around it (and within) that supports its current belief system. So, if you are feeling guilty because you feel like you aren’t spending enough time with your children that is all you will notice. The late childminder pickups, the frustrated words before bed. However, if you tell yourself, you ARE spending enough time with your children you may start to notice the bedtime stories, the fun in the park at the weekend and the opportunities the financial stability your job brings. It’s not going to remove the feelings of guilt, but it may lead you to have a more balanced view of what is happening in your world.
- What would the future you want?
When you feel trapped or overwhelmed with the way, it is easy for you to turn the blame within and get frustrated with how your world is. However, a coaching exercise called “The Rocking Chair” can help you gain perspective. It is a way to fast forward into your future, taking some emotional distance through this “temporal shift”. Imagine your life in twenty or thirty years and imagine where you have been, what you have done, what you have seen, and what you have collected; all AS IF they have happened. By doing this you can start to refocus on what is important, and restructure your priorities when you time-hop back to the current day. You now have a framework of the things you want to achieve, personally and professionally, and can make decisions to try and make those happen.
I want to close this blog with one last point. There is a very small gap between love and guilt Just remember, when you have caring responsibilities, you worry about the impact of your choices. You feel guilty because you care, you want the best for the people around you.
Which technique will you use to reduce your guilt?
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
