The Balance Collective Ask Me Anything – How can I overcome the discomfort I feel about asserting myself?

How often are we told just to say what we need? We all wish it could be that easy! Reality is much more complicated and layered by real and imagined challenges, which can lead to avoidance and overwhelm. Today, I want to discuss how you can overcome discomfort when asserting yourself, the question for June’s Ask Me Anything.

Before we start, I want to reassure you that this comes not only from a professional but also from a personal place. While I work with clients on this issue, I also strengthen this skill in myself. I didn’t get a “magic boundaries button” with my coaching certificate (although, how amazing would that be!). It is something that everyone can work on, develop and get more comfortable with.

Now, back to June’s Ask Me Anything and some top tips and self-reflection points to consider when you notice anxiety or stress creeping up when you need to stand up for yourself!

 

1. What is your identity?

When we assert ourselves, which may sound like “No” or “Not yet,” we can worry that we are letting people down or that we are changing their impression of us. Maybe you like being known as helpful, knowledgeable, or available. Standing your ground may threaten that image.  This discomfort can be associated with the concern that people will start to view us differently.

Is that the case with you?

 

2. What are you feeling?

Find the underlying cause of what you are feeling. Is it fear? Is it shame? I highly recommend getting yourself an emotions wheel (there are loads online) to narrow it down. Once you can name it, you can own it! This can help you share how you are feeling about having to say no or push back.

 

3. What is the dynamic?

You may find that your discomfort is situational – you are fine asserting yourself with friends and family, but at work, it feels impossible. These changes are linked to the power dynamic; saying no to your friends, at worst, may feel awkward, but at work, you may worry it could risk a promotion, a job or a change in your reputation. I often hear of work environments being so dysfunctional that it FEELS like their role would be under threat if they asserted themselves! So, once you understand this, become compassionate about how the dynamic will affect how you feel. You are only human!

 

4. What is the consequence?

Simply, what is the consequence of not asserting yourself in each situation? Can you allow things to remain how they are? What would be the consequence of speaking up and allowing change? Sometimes, you must consider that risk-reward. For example, is the reality of working longer hours changing your wellbeing and time with your family? But the risk of sticking to your hours and allowing you to create better balance – well, the reward is there!

 

5. How can you get comfortable with the discomfort?

Discomfort is an emotion linked to your nervous system. When it matters, you need to get comfortable with this feeling. So, test the water – with who or where you feel safer. And practise saying no or not now. You may feel discomfort in the moment, but it is a relief when you see how others will accept this.

 

For those who saw this AMA live in Creating Careers to Enjoy, here is the excellent book I mentioned, Women Who Work Too Much, by Tamu Thomas, which you may find helpful.

 

So, before I go, I’d love to ask you: How do you assert your boundaries?

Do you want to gain all the tools you need to understand and communicate your boundaries?  Then book a space for “How to create boundaries for your wellbeing”.