This month’s question is a theme that I have seen appear in many coaching conversations, both 1:1 and in group settings. It can occur at any time with anyone, but it often brings feelings of shame, embarrassment, or guilt. It’s frequently caused by feeling like your life isn’t going the way you expected and that you aren’t reaching the goals you set for yourself. It may come from comments from others or comparisons you make with your peers, family, friends, or even strangers on social media. All of this can be summed up as:
“How to manage disappointment in your career and/or life.”
If you have experienced this, make sure you read on. I will work through some key reflections that I would do if we were working together on a 1:1 basis. Are you ready? Then, let’s get started.
- Are these goals still relevant?
So often, we work to expectations that aren’t relevant to us anymore. Consider when they were set. For example, when you were in your twenties, had you set expectations about where you would be in your career in your 40s? Milestone events, if you will? Despite all the life experience, learnings and time that has passed since, are you still holding yourself to the standards you set several decades ago?
A great way of digging deep into the milestones or goals you are holding yourself to is to ask yourself WHY you want to have achieved these things. Not just what it is, but which values you hold dear do these goals align to? (If you’re not sure about your values, check out these blogs.) Not only does the passage of time bring in new experiences, but these experiences can change your priorities and your reasons for “being.”
Both reflections can help you revisit the relevance of the expectations for who you are NOW.
- What happened instead?
When we feel like we are “coming up short” against our life or career measuring stick, it’s easy to forget what we have experienced and achieved. I like to get clients to create a timeline, so maybe you would like to do the same. Think about the experiences and successes that have stood out for you—lean into being your cheerleader and mark all achievements! However, we should also consider what was unexpected, from global events to individual “re-directions.” They all count.
When you take this bird’ s-eye view of the reality of your life experiences, you may see not only the milestones and successes you hit (without planning for them) but also how unexpected life events have redirected you or just slowed things down. You can also take advantage of this insight by asking yourself how these life events can help you get to where you want to be next.
- Spend some time staying in the moment.
If you are feeling disappointed or dissatisfied, it can be easy to spend time working towards your new goals and making life and career changes. Instead, slow down and metaphorically smell the roses. Take the time to notice the daily wins in your life, the glimmers of joy, the slivers of success. When we are often comparing ourselves to unrealistic standards, we can lose sight of what matters and how close we are to what we want. This can look like a gratitude journal, conversations with friends or family, or the often-cited “Ta-Da list.”
Being present and in the moment and reframing what through the lens of appreciation does a great job of increasing one’s feeling of life satisfaction.
But it can also show you what small, steady steps can lead to the life you want. You may surprise yourself and realise that the RECENT version of life and career you want to enjoy is closer than you think.
- Be clear on what you want NOWI.
After this reflection, you may find that you still want to change or achieve elements of your life or career. The disappointment you feel can be harnessed to act. Very simply, if you still wish to do, have or be these things after all this time, you think that it’s within your control to make changes, and you have set a realistic expectation based on what is important to you, then start to make it happen!
Start creating a plan (held accountable by someone like a coach – hello! -), and make sure you hold your comparison in check. We all know the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy”? I want you to take a moment and make sure you are only surrounded by things, people and messages that make you feel inspired – often called aspirational comparison. Sure, admire someone who is where you want to be. But make sure you have a realistic understanding of how they have got there. For anyone struggling with the negative effects of comparison, then I highly recommend “The Comparison Cure” by Lucy Sheridan.
So, there we have it. A whistlestop guide to compassionately working through disappointment in your life or career, with self-reflection tools and some action steps.
Have you ever felt this way? What helped you?
Come over to Creating Careers to Enjoy and let us know.
You can find out the previous questions and answers here.
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
