I met Michelle Minnikin via LinkedIn. There was an open discussion around menstrual health, and, as I frequently do, I hopped into the comments to share my two-pence worth. That eventually led to an invite onto her podcast, where I discussed my journey of “good girl deprogramming”. It’s named “Feminist Business and Redefining Success. If you are intrigued, you can listen here! I loved speaking with Michelle, with her wealth of insight and reflection, so it made sense that “Good Girl Deprogramming: unleash the rebel within” would make its way onto the personal development book review list.
I’ve always been someone who wants to understand things. I imagine the number one question I ask is why, and I’m surprised it wasn’t’ my first word. I’ve noticed that many of my clients also share a similar curious nature: a desire to push the status quo and to feel more in control of the interplay between work and the world. Each person drives the culture in which we live and work, including those in your families, social groups, senior management structure, and policymakers.
If you happen to consider yourself a feminist or not (firstly, why not?) you are walking through a world that is driven by the patriarchy and capitalism. We cannot deny the influence of these intersectional elements. When I work with parents, these show up frequently: pay gaps, the mental load, and gendered expectations of caring, to name just three. When I work with clients on boundaries and expectations, there is often pushback; some have even referred to the “good girl” term themselves. So, this title caught my eye, especially in terms of unpicking the expectation to be “good girls” and, more importantly, how it can be unlearned. I haven’t read a book like this before.
I imagine it will be a while until I find another like it.
When we consider how the patriarchy shows up at work, we can’t deny how it links to control and capitalism. Sometimes it’s obvious, such as the aggressive drive for profits, performance-based rewards, long inflexible hours, and the “boys’ club for promotion/ senior management. Sometimes, it’s more subtle, but just as insidious: the glass cliff and ceiling, dress codes, corporate cultures with a preference for compliance over mental health. Even within the most well-meaning organisations, we must be conscious of how long-standing policies and processes can develop a patriarchal culture.
So, before we get to the book, let me tell you about Michelle. She is an absolute force of nature. A Chartered Psychologist and Coach, she has spent the last 20 years supporting people through leadership, organisational development, coaching and personal growth. After receiving her ADHD diagnosis in adulthood, she underwent a massive journey in questioning and unlearning her “good girl” identity, which was the catalyst for the book.
Good Girl Deprogramming uses the work of social scientist Albert Biderman, whose research in the Air Force in the 1950s led to the creation of the “Chart of Coercion”. This was created after he saw how coercive control was used to control and cause compliance, and even false confessions, in Prisoners of War. Biderman includes eight systematic techniques, including Isolation and Dependence and Mental & Physical Exhaustion (sound familiar?). Now, it may seem like the link between the patriarchy and coercive control is a bit of a leap. But, after recently asking during a discussion, “Why do so many women seem to align with systems/people/ groups that hurt them?”, it’s clear this is a topic worth diving into. One answer is benevolent patriarchy, or sexism, if you are interested. Another is explored in “Good Girls Deprogramming.”
Minnikin breaks down the eight gradual ways that Biderman’s chart of control shows up in a patriarchal system, whilst adding an initial stage, trust. It’s a blunt, uncomfortable, but necessary read and will invoke strong emotions, but she writes in such an engaging way that you can’t help but read on. It is clear to see, however, how these tools of control have been used in patriarchal systems, and why so much of the harm continues.
The book does a fantastic job of showing how this control shows up in behaviour. However, it is essential to stress that in no way is any blame given to women for how we respond to these systemic, cultural, and institutionally driven behaviours.
You may ask if this book is only suitable for women. Not at all. For everyone to work on breaking down the harm that the patriarchal system does, all genders must be not only aware of how it shows up, but also the damage it causes. Each chapter allows for personal reflection and encourages reading this book with others. Whilst I didn’t have any reading buddies, I spent lots of time sharing key parts both with my husband and my daughters. I was encouraged when Michelle mentioned she is writing a version for younger girls. This is a message for all ages.
Today, I’m going to move away from the usual “Clara’s Cliff Notes”. It would seem hypocritical for a book about patriarchy to tell you what to think! What I would say is this book feels like an awakening. As a teenager in the 1990s and an adult in the noughties, there felt like so much opportunity. Yet, in 2025, so many rights are being rolled back, violence against women and girls is a global public health threat, and the rise of the “manosphere” is a growing concern. Having a book that so clearly and persuasively links coercive control and violence to elements that, on the surface, wouldn’t be called controlling or violent, gives us the wake-up call that it’s time we change our approach.
So, would you class yourself a “Good Girl” and what are your biggest takeaways from the book?
If you liked this book review, you may want to check out:
On our best behaviour by Elise Loehnen
Fix the system, not the women by Laura Bates
The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Sieghart
The next book (November 2025) will be The Phone Fix (How to transform your smartphone habits) by Dr Faye Begeti
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
