The Balance Collective Ask Me Anything – “What is the best way to speak to my partner about the mental load I carry?”

This month, I wanted to use the AMA to have a conversation. I’m no longer gatekeeping this topic or my advice. When reflecting on the discussions I’ve been having with clients returning to work, seeking better balance, applying for a new role, or developing their businesses, one thing always rings true. It’s something I don’t see discussed enough in this space, and I wanted to bring it further into the open.

It’s the pressure of the mental load.

So, with all these people in mind, I have created the question to answer this month:

“What is the best way to speak to my partner about the mental load I carry?”

While this response is in the context of having a partner, it’s something that anyone should consider; like so much of my work, it starts with self-reflection BEFORE conversation.

It is also a discussion that needs to happen regularly. As our children transition into different stages, from nursery to school to secondary school, exams and beyond, changes in responsibilities will be needed. Just because it worked before doesn’t mean it needs to stay the same; how can it be when everything is changing?

So, before we get into it, let’s get clear on what the mental load is. The concept began in the context of work and is defined as “the process of managing emotions and relationships in order to be more successful at your job.”*

But the reality is that it has evolved to include what we can also call “emotional labour,” remembering and doing everything that holds family, relationships, childhood, and careers together! It’s often intensified by one person becoming the default parent.

This issue is a hard one, and even with all the work I do, personally and professionally, it remains an ongoing conversation in our household. Regardless of gender, one parent often becomes the default parent for everything, which then leads to carrying the whole mental and emotional load – not just at home, but at work too!

Now, let’s look at the core themes you need to consider when talking about the mental load.

Career

You can begin this conversation by asking yourself these questions to each other:

What aspirations do you have?

What does work success look and feel like?

The answers to these will be very telling and can feed into the other areas we see below. You may be on a particular professional track, then need time and effort to achieve a certain qualification. That will then lead to working out how it happens. It could be that returning has led to a change in priorities, and you want a role that supports flexibility and a softer life. Everything is valid!

Careers don’t have to be now or never. I think most of us will be working at lot longer than our parents are and grandparents did, so we do have more time that it may feel right now!

Using the Rocking Chair Exercise can be useful at this stage; do it together to work on how you want your life to look – and how your career plays a part in that.

 

Childcare

In the short term, this includes a conversation about what happens in periods of sickness. This also needs to be revisited; for example, when school starts—the days get shorter, and school holidays begin.

If you or your partner work in a role or sector that isn’t flexible (either by design or culture), then you can have the conversation around turn-taking and scheduling in things that are more predictable. This is particularly relevant when you reach school age and the regular inset days and school holidays!

Don’t forget to ensure you are clear on the policies and processes within your organisation and what you are legally entitled to!

 

Finance

The world is expensive! Prices are rising at a rate that many of us have never seen, at least in our adult lives. So, have an honest, regular conversation around finance. This starts with sharing childcare costs but also look at proportional contributions to household costs. If one person has more disposable income than the other, is that being taken into consideration?

With finances in mind, remember to make sure you understand your entitlement to financial support for things like childcare and keep the conversations going!

 

Parenting

One thing we don’t always talk enough about when we talk about the mental load is parenting styles. Being the default parent often leads to becoming the student—reading about childhood development, education, health or your child’s additional needs—then becoming the teacher to the other partner. The reality is neither of you has ever parented THIS child before, and as the child grows, you are parenting that aged child for the first time. So, talk about how that knowledge will be gathered and shared.

When it comes to parenting styles, we don’t know how we will parent until we are in the grips of things.  In the early years, it feels like survival for all – as your little ones grow and develop their own personalities, and in a world where their parents aren’t the only influence, it gets harder. The best advice I can give on this is more of a therapeutic one. If you feel inclined, read around reflection on how you were parented – often, the things that trigger us the most in our children are the things we were challenged for as children. I have read a couple of books on this matter that I recommend. One is  Parenting for Humans and the other  is The Book you wish your Parents had read.

As a minimum, work on ways of managing your own nervous system – this can help in the moments of potential overwhelm and understand the concept of rupture and repair when this slips.  When it comes to the mental load of parenting, it can feel both the heaviest and most rewarding!

 

Wellbeing

Make sure you carve out time for things that are important to you—health, hobbies, social connections—and that these conversations are regular and evolve over time. It isn’t unusual for the default parent to let this slip because they don’t have the time or prioritise themselves. Then, the impact is long-lasting. Sit down and share three non-negotiables in your life, and then work together to make sure that is given time. You will thank me!

 

For all of these topics, don’t just talk around them, create an action plan. When considering the mental load, make sure people take responsibility fairly. When you are doing that, be clear on the how, what, – what completed and full ownership looks like to help reduce the feelings of inequality. An example of that would be someone taking control of cooking food – but making sure it’s clear that means getting the groceries and planning the food; from start to finish!

 

How do you help manage the mental load? I’d love to hear your take. Come over to Creating Careers to Enjoy to share your experience.

If you are looking for 1:1 coaching support or team career wellbeing workshops, reach out to hello@thebalancecollective.co.uk or book a call directly into my diary.