Very simply, this book answers the eternal question so many parents have: “How can we have better relationships?”. Whilst the book title can be a mouthful, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did),* really is an insight into a new way of communicating with your children. What is so different about some of the other parenting books out there is that it encourages each parent to reflect on how THEY were parented, rather than prescribing a range of tools and techniques to our children.
Penned by Psychotherapist Philippa Perry, the book, accordingly the blurb “reveals the vital do’s and don’ts of relationships. This is a book for us all. Whether you are interested in understanding how your upbringing has shaped you, looking to handle your child’s feelings or wishing to support your partner, you will find indispensable information and realistic tips in these pages. Philippa Perry’s sane, sage and judgement-free advice is an essential resource on how to have the best possible relationships with the people who matter to you most.”
I 100% agree that this book is exactly what it says on the tin. It unpicks the importance of communication, patience, insight and self-reflection for all relationships; whilst you may assume it’s a parenting book for those with younger children, once you work through the book, you can see it’s relevant for parents of children of any age (including adulthood). Even more striking, is how it can help you build and maintain healthier relationships with ANYONE you are close to in your life. That is something you wouldn’t expect solely from the title.
I borrowed this book via the library e-book app; I was so impressed with the content a hardback copy is finding its way to me. Having given birth 9 years apart, I have noticed the differences in the advice around parenting. You layer on top of that pressure of advice, online chat boards and social media, it’s easy to understand why we can find raising the next generation difficult. We worry so much about doing the right thing, setting up our children to become capable and successful adults; yet we are often influenced by our own upbringings and day to day pressure. Perry’s approachable, and matter of fact style enables us to consider why we behave the way we do as parents. As you may expect, being written by a Psychotherapist, there are regular activities throughout the book that encourage us to really understand what drives us.
She underpins the book with the knowledge that we shall all experience times when we find relationships challenging. This is not a way of making sure that families never disagree, but to highlight the three-stage process of “rupture, repair and feelings”. I really hope you are convinced to give the book a go. But, in the meantime, here are the five things that stood out for me from “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did),*
Don’t make happiness the only acceptable emotion.
So often we put pressure on our children to be happy; thinking, we are responsible for their happiness. When they (and others) experience emotions we find challenging, Perry states, this can be traced back to how those emotions were rewarded or punished in our childhoods. Ultimately, if we want others around us to be happy, we MUST accept the other emotional states that person goes through. She cites fellow therapist, Jerry Hyde; “Emotions don’t have a mixing bowl – they just have a master volume. You can’t fade out sadness and pain and fade up happiness and joy. You turn one down, you turn them all down.”
Consider the support you need
Parenthood can be isolating, and support is needed as many stages are our children grow up. There is no surprise that there is a link between lack of support, loneliness and postnatal depression, so Perry advocates strongly the need for open and honest communication, to build a “village” that many parents don’t always have, What do you need and who can you ask for the support?
Independence does not develop in the way you think
So many of us are driven to create independent children; ones that can carve out a life on their own, make decisions and become, I quote “productive members of society”. Through this, we are often encouraged to encourage independence by ignoring their bids for connection through attention. I’m sure you can all list the times we have been told we are “making a rod for our own back” in light of how our children sleep, eat, play and behave. In fact, it’s been shown time and time again the best way to help a person become independent is by reassuring them that they have a safe place to return to.
Behaviour is always communication
I may be preaching to the converted, but, let’s assume this is a new concept. Behaviour and emotions are linked, and both are a form of communication. It’s time we removed the moral “good and bad” from discussions around behaviour, and instead consider what is the child (at any age) trying to say. Just think, for a moment, how do you feel when you are at your worst? What behaviour are you exhibiting? Now imagine the same for the people in your life? As a parent, it’s our job to help decipher that behaviour, rather than make an immediate judgement around the intention. Be aware of how your emotions are impacting your behaviours and influencing the environment your children are in. Express how you feel neutrally, accepting that people have a “mixing bowl of emotions”. Try to lead by example!
Define your boundaries, not the child’s
This was my bigger lightbulb moment, and since I have started using this approach I have noticed a real difference in our family dynamics, especially with our youngest. So often we tell our children “they” need to do something; they need to stop watching TV, they need to eat their carrots, they need to go to bed. We present this in the context of rules or that this is for their benefit. Let’s be clear, the child (regardless of their age) doesn’t see it that way, and so often it’s a rule that an adult has created. Instead, Perry suggests, when parents own the boundary, which is grounded in feelings and we have calmer conversations. At times this may include working together to create a solution.
Let me give you an example. It’s time for my youngest to come off the computer, as I have decided she has had “enough”. I’m driven by the worry of her becoming sedentary, and that the screen is no good for her. I’m feeling guilty about this, and want to feel better about my parenting. So, I tell her it’s time to get off the computer. I bet you can imagine the response. Using Perry’s approach, I attempt something different: I tell her “I can’t let you be on the computer for hours every day, as It’s my job as your Mum to make sure you stay healthy. Sometimes that is what you eat, and what you do; today it is to help your brain learn new things by trying a new activity. So, you have 5 more minutes then you are going to do something different. What would you like to do?” It’s a change in presentation, but it makes such a difference to how she responds!
Perry leaves you with the confidence that you can change the dynamics you have with your children, at any stage in your relationship. We are the product of our own upbringing, and it’s OK to evolve and change based on what you know now and the person you are raising. As she quite rightly says “Go with what is working in the present rather than what you fantasize may happen in the future. “ Finally, when you are wrong, admit it and apologise. How do we expect our children to develop and grow if we aren’t prepared to model that behaviour ourselves?
This was a longer book review than usual, but as I am sure you can see, there was so much I wanted to share about The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did),*. If you have read the book too, I’d love to read what you think in Creating Careers to Enjoy.
If you liked this book review, then you may enjoy these other reviews and articles:
Parenting for Humans by Dr. Emma Svanberg
A manual for being human by Dr. Sophie Mort
How to manage your sensory overload as a parent
*This link is an affiliate link. If you use it to purchase a book, I may get a small commission, but it won’t impact the cost of the book for you.
Clara Wilcox is a straight talking, practical and experienced coach helping clients navigate the tricky waters of returning to work, career changes and professional development. The Balance Collective is a social enterprise focused on improving the lives of parents, by working together to build inner confidence and promote a healthy work/life balance.
